December 6, 2011
Along with being a betch comes a few essential unwritten rules. It's pretty obvious to every betch that doing things like drinking regular Coke, dating a guy who has ever worn Ed Hardy, and going out sober are strictly forbidden. However, when it comes to relationships, the rules of betchdom often become a little blurry. We're here to help you see the light. While girl code is for nice girls, we're going to introduce you to the only set of rules you should follow: Betch Code.
Now, we're all familiar with that girl who hooks up with a guy one time and forever claims him as 'hers' even though he wouldn't ever (soberly) touch her again with a ten foot pole. This girl is annoying and will often say you're a 'bad friend' if you even think about hooking up with this bro.
That's why we're here to enlighten delusional daters and put to rest the question of whether or not a bro is acceptable to hook up with (or have sex with). We've devised a handy points system for those of you who are clueless as fuck or have no soul. This list could otherwise be called the "are you a bad person?" list. No need to argue amongst your friends anymore, here's an objective breakdown.
Here's how it works: Add points for every item on the checklist that rings true. If you have more than 3 points, don't do it. If you have less, go get yourself laid. If you have 3 exactly and act on it, you're either someone who can manipulate your way out of looking like a horrible person aka someone we would hang out with, or you're going to get yourself punched in the face.
+1: Your bestie has hooked up with him (+.5 if she's not a friend you would ever hang out with alone) -1: If your bestie can't remember hooking up with him -1: If your bestie was so fucked up she doesn't remember that she threw up on him +1: He threw up on her
+2: Your bestie has hooked up with him more than three times (+1.5 if she's not a friend you would ever hang out with alone)
+5: Your bestie is currently hooking up with him but they're not exclusive +2: If your bestie has hooked up with him but he's made her cry +3: If she made him cry
+0: Your bestie has hooked up with him but he's a celebrity
+.5: The dud has hooked up with him
-2: Your frenemy has hooked up with him
-5: Your arch nemesis has hooked up with him
-.5: More than one of your friends has hooked up with him (a distinct -.5 for each additional friend that has already hooked up with him)
+2: Your bestie has had sex with him (-2 if it was after she was rufied, +10 if he was the one who rufied her)
+5: Your bestie has had sex with him more than three times (+3 if she's not a friend you would ever hang out with alone)
-1: The girl who's TGF has had sex with him
+2: If your bestie had to Plan B his baby +3: If you went with her to CVS
+1: Your bestie went on a date with him +5: He made her pay
+2: Your bestie went on more than 2 dates with him
+7: He's your bestie's ex-boyfriend (+4 if their relationship ended more than 2 years ago, +2 if it was more than 5)
+100: They're currently dating, you whore.
As the Constitution and Mean Girls taught us, there are certain inalienable rights that we all have as betches, it's like the rules of feminism. While betches aren't always the most moral people, there are certain lines we shouldn't cross when fucking over our fellow females, especially those we call our friends.
Failing the test is one thing, but going ahead and disregarding it can and should get you blacklisted, leaving you destined to hang out with the sexually active band geeks or the girls who eat their feelings. We need a backstabbing betch in our bestie group like we need a fucking summer job.