Betch of the Year: Chelsea Handler

By The Betches

So 2011 is like, practically dunzo and the Head Betches are looking forward. Needless to say, it's been an amazing year, and we're proud of all the shots we've taken and things we've accomplished while also #36 not doing anything.

However, we are far from the only betches who have had a great year. First ever Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler took the world by storm and it's clear she's here to stay. People everywhere are embracing betchiness and Chelsea is proof. We can't help but congratulate ourselves on our contribution to her best year ever.

chelsea handler

While the merits of having your own talk show where all you do is talk shit about celebrities and make fun of your staff are self evident, Chelsea also got herself another show, After Lately which has also been a huge hit. It basically takes us behind the scenes of Chelsea Lately but we're convinced Chels just uses this as another opportunity to let the world know she's the fucking boss and her staff are a bunch of funny tards. And now there's even another show coming out, Are You There Chelsea? Regardless of the fact that she sports a fugly brown coif on it, which may or may not be a wig (we hope), we're still excited to watch this shit.


She also scored the ultimate book deal, writing all about random shit that she made up (Lies that Chelsea Told Me) which obvi, along with her three other books was a best seller. I mean, she didn't even write it. Betch also got her own column in Cosmopolitan and is going to be in two movies next year. Diversity in Hollywood projects is like, the only kind of #107 branching out we're trying to deal with.

We all have besties but Chelsea's are hard to compete with. Apparently this year she's befriended Reese and JennAn. Our info could be wrong but who really gives a shit.

When it comes to guys Chelsea's been known to win. Even though this could be a sign of her inability to love anyone besides herself and midgets, she's never been dumped. She's said that she takes a particular liking to black rappers, which is cool I guess. One of her recent bad boy boyf's was 50 Cent who apparently kept trying to buy her shit but all she would say is that she can buy it herself. Lol Chels, can't wait to hear what's new in 2012. Maybe a couple of backstage BJs for Weezy? He should be so lucky.

Let's talk about her background and how she became so amazing.

Chelsea moved from New Jersey to LA to pursue a career in comedy after telling her story about #130 driving like a fucking idiot to the other offenders, who thought her story was hilarious.

Chelsea's betchiness can be summed up in the following anecdote and quotes:


chelsea handlerWho says you can't be funny and photoshopped hot?


On Chelsea Lately, when commenting on Amy Winehouse's badly received performance at a concert in Serbia, she read a statement by the Serbian Defense Minister calling Winehouse's performance a "shame and a disappointment." Chelsea then stated, "Well, so is your country."

"Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours of the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink."

"He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better."

Even though we're shamelessly jealous of her, we're definitely trying to party with Chelsea or like, casually go to Cabo with her. Oh yeah, she casually goes to Cabo all the fucking time, and brings her staff and pays for them. And even though she broke up with hot #62 pro hotelier Andre Balazs we're sure she'll find love in 2012, even if it is just with Chuy. So Chelsea, congrats on being Betch of the Year, even if you don't fucking care.





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