The Betches' Guide to St. Patrick's Day

By The Betches

There’s no doubt that March has a lot of things to celebrate, Spring Break just being one of the many among them. But while nice girls are recovering from their chocolate hangovers after an hours-long celebration of Pi Day, betches around the globe are gearing up for one of the biggest drinking holidays of the year: St. Patrick’s Day.

As a college betch, St. Patrick’s Day was an afterthought, often overshadowed by the realization that no one gives a shit about a holiday where people drink from sunrise to sunset because that’s basically every fucking day of your life. In the real world, SPD is a way bigger deal and in a society where men think they rule, it’s really no surprise.


leprechaunOn Saturdays…we wear green


SPD and the Irish population in general have to be the most bro culture in existence. I mean have you ever seen a John Jameson commercial? It basically entails a bro jumping off a ship to save a fucking bottle of whiskey. This SAB prob had 3 starving kids and wife to feed but fuck it if he’s not going to take shots at work. What betch do you know who even drinks whiskey? Also, the holiday is all about pubs and drinking Guinness, which is like a calorific beer on steroids. Stay away girls.

But besides being the inventors of digusto RyanAir, the Irish are definitely worth celebrating. They even created a whole mythical creature to represent guys with Tiny Douchebag Syndrome who are constantly looking for gold. These days leprechauns still exist, they’re just known as Jewish investment bankers.




Granted this is a holiday for bros, but there’s nothing that says we can’t enjoy the show. Take today to celebrate hot douchey actors like Colin Farrell, Pierce Brosnan, and Liam Neeson. Betches know there are fewer things hotter than a British or Irish accent, even if you can’t understand what the fuck they’re saying.

Also, it’s important to use Saturday as yet another excuse to go day drinking. Everyone knows the biggest celebrations are in New York and Boston and we even know some betches who decided to take a trip to New Jersey to pretend they’re Irish and poor for a day.

So this Saturday, be thankful for the 1840s Irish potato famine, which not only eliminated carbs and resulted in lots of #5 skinny Irish betches, but also brought millions of Irish to America so that we could all partake in this magical day of destructive, belligerent drinking. Also don’t cry when it’s over, Cinco De Mayo is only a couple of months away and while their accents may be nauseating, at least they’ve got better tans.





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