July 5, 2011
If there’s anything a betch in college hates, it’s when you go home for break and every member of your family asks, “What do you want to do after you graduate?” I want to marry a rich bro ASAP, pop out some babies, and spend the rest of my days shopping, “doing lunch” with my besties, playing in the country club tennis tourney, and being a philanthrobetch. Wouldn’t you?
This is pretty much how every betch truly wants to respond to the post-grad question, but since it’s not the 17th century anymore, we don’t get to wait around at home taking etiquette lessons until our parents marry us off. Here, we'll give you our daughter in exchange for one goat.
As much as you betches protest (Noooo! I really want to have a successful law career!), we all know what you’re really thinking. It’s okay, we’re betches too.
Rather than letting some betch-hater label us anti-feminist and lazy, we accept the fact that we need to do something that involves making an income to occupy the greater part of our twenties. We’d also like to avoid jealous betches #1 talking shit about how we still don’t do anything other than spend our parents’ money at age 25.
So what are some of the post-grad options for betches?
It should be obvious by now that betches are the shit, so we could really do anything and be amazing at it. A betch could be the fucking president if she wanted; she’s already an expert in diplomacy as a result of learning to juggle constant BBMs from her multiple #18 VIPs. Unfortunately, Facebook’s privacy settings suck and make it a hassle to hide the photos that will prevent us from ever being elected. Sooooo sorry that “the people” think the montage of me chugging a bottle of Goose while giving the middle finger makes me “unfit” to run the country. Fuck you, Wolf Blitzer. And you too, Zuckerberg.
Other than the rare exceptional betch who decides she wants to be a power betch and run her own company or something similarly stressful and time-consuming, most betches tend to fit into one of four post-grad categories. If you’re unsure which career path is right for you, don’t worry, we’re here to help.
Here is our “Betches Love This Job” Guide to Post-Grad Life:
The Career Student: This is a smart betch who knows that if she just keeps studying, she’ll never have to work a day in her life at a “real” job. The toughest decision is whether to get your Master’s in Psychology, Sociology, or Anthropology. Maybe an advanced degree in Marketing with a certificate in Consumer Behavior?
Frankly, it doesn’t fucking matter. All this betch cares about is going to school in a city where she can meet a husband, so that by the time she finishes her third Master’s she’ll probably be engaged and free to plan the wedding. Props to the career student, everyone knows the in-laws will totally love the girl who has four degrees.
Caveat: You definitely need some family money to support yourself while you complete your dual-degree in Advanced Adolescent Cyber Bullying and Art Therapy.
The Finance/Consulting/HR Betch: This betch is cut throat. You need to be, if you're going to endure the grueling recruitment process for banks and consulting firms. But don’t worry, the payoff is huge. Not only will your paycheck be above-average as soon as you graduate, but you don’t even need a professional degree! The extra perk of these jobs is that this is where most bros work after college, so there’s easy access to a large pool of great-on-paper husbands.
Caveat: You might be working 16 hours a day, so consider yourself fucked if you aren’t considering fucking your boss.
The Marketing/PR/Hospitality/Journalism Betch: These jobs are generally lots of fun (who wouldn’t want to plan a press event at Sundance for a hair gel company?), but the salary fucking sucks. It’s ideal for you if you have a backup source of income, you want people to think you’re really pretty and glamorous, or you’re Stephanie Pratt and you’d tell an interviewer that your dream is to design fucking handbags.
Does your major include the words Communications, Public Relations, Hospitality, Sociology, Psychology, Human Development, etc? If you major in one of these but don’t want to go to grad school, you will probably end up working in this category in some capacity. Hotels + PR + Travel and Leisure Magazine = Betchy.
Caveat: For those of you who think you want to go into advertising, news flash: Mad Men isn’t real.
Working for Daddy: Okay, so maybe my grandpa is one of my three references. So what? He thinks I’m like, really sweet!
This isn’t necessarily an option for everybody, but for those lucky betches, please don’t even pretend like you’re doing anything other than killing the hours that your friends and potential husbands are doing actual work. Caveat: No one takes you seriously when you say you’ve always wanted to work for a company that manufactures geriatric wheelchairs.
So, next time your parents harass you to set up a meeting with your college’s Career Services, just tell them you’ve already been to Betch Career Services and you’ve got it covered. You have three years of work ahead of you, who needs an afternoon meeting getting in the way of today’s afternoon drinking?
And if you’re not married by 28, HAHAHAHA it’s time to start taking work seriously. JK, you probably already are, Office Bitch.