Betches and Blow Jobs: It's Complicated

By The Betches

“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.” ? Chelsea Handler

When a betch is hooking up with a guy, she will often get to the point where she has to make a night-altering decision: to blow or not to blow. That is the fucking question.

Although it seems counterintuitive, betches know that giving head can sometimes be a bigger deal than #8 not fucking bros. Like Chelsea Handler said, this is one of the only times that you're doing something truly selfless. But wait, is it?

Head can be the gift that gives back later. Let's not underestimate the manipulative power of fellatio. We're pretty sure wars have been fought over a good BJ. Just ask Marc Antony, Henry VIII, or anyone else who let their dick run their country.

catherineparrCatherine Parr: Good head.

 

There are many factors to consider when deciding what to do when you're in this sticky situation, pun intended. In that awkward moment when a guy pushes a betch's head down with his eyes, she will often think a variation of the following: Is it losing if I do it now? What if he takes like, forever? What if it's fucking ugly?

[Side Note: If a guy actually takes your head and pushes it towards his penis, do not fucking do it. Would you take a guy's credit card and nudge it towards the bartender?]

But bros, even if we decide to bestow this gift upon you, don't be mistaken. Given the right circumstances, this is not a sign of submission. A betch clearly knows how to use head to fuck with your head. Fucking duh.

Giving a BJ can be used to avoid having sex with a guy, or if you have lukewarm feels towards him, you might have sex to avoid giving him head.

For instance, you might wind up having sex with a #89 back burner bro because on your three dates he's spent upwards of $500 on you and though you're not a hooker, you're not really sure where the line of basic human decency is crossed. As in, how many more nights can you just make out with him and maybe allow him to go down on you? Because you're not that physically attracted to him, having sex as opposed to giving head allows you to gain more while giving a little. inception The anxiety over feeling obligated to 'return the favor' as opposed to feeling general lust for a bro/pro is how you know you have encountered a true BBB.

However, not all betches are down to go down. So the question remains, is it betchy to give head? When and to who?

The Dickaphobe: Maybe you're terrible at it, maybe your gag reflex is just really sensitive due to your bulimia, but this is the girl who's more likely to buzz her grandpa's inner ear hair than go anywhere near a guy's dick. The phobe might also just be terrified of the penis, possibly due to past-penis-trauma. Like Cam Diaz in the Sweetest Thing, you never know what the fuck is on the other side of the wall in a public bathroom. There's nothing more perturbing than the tip of a penis.

The girl who does it just because: This girl will usually give head to a guy the first time she and him hookup, maybe because she thinks she's good at it. Maybe she is. Congrats. What a guy will think when you give him head the first time is that you will give any guy head the first time. It's probably true. No one would want a Birkin if they were giving them away for free. Once you've set the hookup-bar high, you can't just go back to casual OTPHJs*.

This might also be the girl who would rather give head than have sex, but only if it's a one night stand to keep her number down. But when it comes to a guy she likes, she's down there faster than your Asian valedictorian runs home to practice the violin.

The Classical Conditioner: This is the betchiest method of allocating BJs. This is the girl who uses head as a manipulative tool to get what she wants. Betches are smart, and we know that any worker will perform better when the rewards are great and given only in exchange for a job well done, in any sense of the word. Be this a particularly good performance on you, a surprisingly lovely gift, or flowers at work so that everyone can be jealous of you and your amazing boyfriend :)

burger kingThe BJ Queen usually ends up with the Burger King.

 

The BJ Extraordinaire: This betch just fucking loooooves the penis, plain and simple, wants to eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner in lieu of her normal meals consisting of air and Diet Coke. Or she's just fishing for compliments. You know there are people who get like, this special type of compliment, the kind you can buy things with? Modern society knows them as prostitutes.

So, the BJ question is different for everyone. Sometimes sex and head hang out, sometimes sex brings head to the #23 pregame and she bounces before the party, or for some girls, head is the friend they put on their taking you to dinner and letting you pay the tip.

OTPHJ = Over The Pants Hand Job

 




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