March 22, 2012
As a betch it's inevitable that you'll encounter many people who will endlessly kiss your ass. If it's coming from a bro, it's safe to assume he wants to fuck you, but if it's coming from a girl, it's safe to assume she wants to be your best friend...or fuck you if she swings that way. But when you constantly endure a barrage of flattery 24/7 it becomes clear that talk is cheaper than white trash at Walmart on Black Friday.
In a world full of bullshit compliments and endless shit talking, appearing to be nice and not-fake at the same time is a coveted skill. Some may find it counterintuitive that a betch would ever need to compliment or flatter anyone in the first place. I mean, in comparison to us, everyone else's strengths seem pretty shitty. But thinking you can go through life without pretending to be nice is an amateur move. The betchiest among us know when to drop just the right compliments to make all of our dreams come true.
Flattery is an art. Let's delve into the different ways to become the Monet of manipulation.
The Social Climbing Ass Kisser: This is the most nauseating type of flattery. We all know that girl who is just dying to be invited to your next pregame and therefore uses any excuse to tell you how skinny and amazing you look every time you see her. Like chill bitch, I know. If I wanted to hear someone spewing fake bullshit I'd watch footage of a presidential debate.
Now, while these girls are obviously annoying, they're always good for something so be sure not to dismiss them right away. For compliments, a half smile and the classic "I know, right?" will do after you're told how toned your legs look in your mini skirt.
What this bitch is really good for is getting you shit. Like when she inevitably surprises you with fro-yo you didn't even ask her to bring you or a sober ride home from the bars, you should respond with an enthusiastic "OMG you're the best. I love you." This is just the kind of feedback she's looking for. Next thing you know she's starting a car service just to make sure you and your besties will never need to call a cab to get your slutty ass home in the morning.
The Strategic Flatterer: This is the best way to go about flattery and the key to getting people to do things for you. The idea is to compliment others in a sparing but meaningful way when you want something from them. For this method to work, your compliments have to be based in truth. Even the blind and deaf can smell a bullshitter right off the bat. Like, don't go around telling your friend who has obviously gross frizzy hair that you'd kill for her curls. She'll know you're full of shit and assume the same applies to everything else you say.
It's important to remember that everyone, even fat, poor people have something decent about them to be complimented, even if it's just that they're a "really good friend." Always remember, flosers can have their moments, as clearly they've made it far enough in life to be within the reach of your potential flattery. The key is to find whatever strength got them there and exploit it to your benefit.
Terms of Endearment to/from a suitor: Okay so this is a fine line to walk. You want a guy to compliment you but in a kind of backhanded way so you still know he has #53 SAB tendencies. As we've said before, guys calling you pretty or beautiful is nauseating unless it's coming from John Stamos that time you sat next to him on a plane. You know you're pretty, you would be just as excited to hear that the sky is blue or that Anne Hathaway is painful. Compliments from guys should be subtle and should get you thinking. Our ideal asshole will say things like, "You're so great at Words with Friends. How far do you think that talent will get you in life?" Not things like, "I'm so incredibly lucky you let me pay for your dinner." Vom.
Avoid complimenting guys unless they look particularly hot one night or they do something great sexually or buy you something special. You don't want shit getting to their head but you also don't want them to think you're a heartless bitch. Like we said, it's an art.
So remember that in dispensing kind words, they should be used as you would fat-free balsamic vinaigrette: sparingly and as a means of adding flavor. Only nice people say nice things all the time. So keep that in mind when you compliment me on my amazing tan after spring break or you can get the fuck out of my apartment.