Betches and Hair: An Abusive Relationship

By The Betches

Other than with a man, betches will be in a number of abusive relationships throughout their lives. Most if not all are with themselves, be it our cuticles, nailbeds, skin (see Russell Armstrong on that betch.

Phase 2: The Incident

Unlike other kinds of abuse, it does not necessarily take one incident to really fuck up your hair. (Unless you did the Japanese straightening in 8th grade, that shit cray but we know many a betch who sold her soul to have the locks of Mulan with the complexion of Snow White.) But most betches abuse their hair frequently over a long period of time before it begins to show. Abuse can take the form of a flat/curling iron, chemical treatment, or hair coloring.You know you're fucked when there's more hair in your drain than on your head.

nick nolte

This phase of abuse is usually accompanied by confrontation from your loved ones hair stylist. You know it's coming when she gives you the side eye and asks you how many times a week you iron your hair. Suddenly you start to feel anxious and when your gynecologist asks if you're sexually active. You say 'only once a week but the betch knows your lying. Our admission of ironing usually corresponds to our admission of sexual partners: approximately 1/3. You add further insult to injury when you tell her you always use product to protect your hair from heat damage. Oh great, you're starting to sound like a Lifetime character who claims her eye knocks into doorknobs every other week.


Phase 3: Reconciliation & Phase 4: The Calm

Despite your overt lie to your hair stylist, she decided to fix your hair while only taking the dead ends off. If she really wanted to 'take care of the problem' she'd shave your head circa Crazy Britney. The reconciliation usually involves the purchase of expensive Keratin deep conditioning products of whatever label your salon is whoring out. You spend the next week putting in Moroccan oil in whenever you can and avoiding hair driers and irons. I mean I'm pretty enough to go au natural anyway

Thus the end of phase three marks a road to recovery and a vow to stay on the straight path. No longer with you cheat with the crack cocaine that is your hair iron. While there's no rehab or women's shelter for abused hair, it's important to stop the cycle of beating the shit out of one of the most beautiful parts of your essence. Very few girls have Halle Berry's face and are anorexic looking enough to pull a Keira Knightley coif. Remember, it only took a semester at Brown, a field hockey team membership, and 8 inches of hair to have the world questioning Emma Watson's loyalty to heterosexuality.





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