Betches and Rebounds: Battle of the Exes

By The Betches

When it comes to love triangles, squares, and polygons, a betch will often find herself in many. Anyone who's been to college knows the rampant incestuous nature of the hook-up web and that there's always a 40% chance that you're 2 hook-ups removed from any pseudo stranger at the bars. But there are few more fascinating and revealing webs than those involving your current or ex-boyfriend. Any betch who's been there will tell you that no one will bring about anxiety and psychotic Facebook stalking faster than the betch who used to date your boyfriend, or the new girl who's dating your ex.

We know this can get confusing so let's look at the two scenarios.

Your Boyfriend's Ex-Girlfriend:

You know how it goes. When starting to date a guy you'll inevitably become aware of his past relationships and assuming you're not dumb as a rock, you'll almost intuitively know which of these exes is still in the picture. Maybe they talk occasionally, maybe he'll even claim they're "friends"


adeleNvm, I'll find someone like you...once I lose a good 30


The being friends with your ex is something we (once again) don't believe in. If your boyfriend finds his ex-girlfriend to be good enough to be friends with her, and he obviously finds her physically attractive (because he used to date her), then there's no reason that they shouldn't be together. Being friends with your ex is for divorced people with kids, not immature hormone loaded twenty-somethings busting with hostility.

We've seen many a betch get tripped up by her boyfriend's ex... constantly assuring yourself how much better you are while also worrying that they still talk, or freaking out because she liked a photo he's in...that's all it takes to prove to you she's still into him. And for those special crazies out there, you know who you are, you'll casually find yourself sifting through his Facebook messages when he forgets to log out, perusing his email if you can. You'll send your besties links to her FB photos with a follow-up IM, Omg how gross does she look here??? Ok she doesn't look fat in this one..OOH LOOK how many chins she has in THIS ONE!

While we're all for #1 talking shit, the ironic part about this negativity towards his ex is that for all your criticism of her, YOU are dating the SAME GUY she did, aka by default you're questioning your boyfriend and his dating choices. Way to showcase your confidence and security!

That's why the true betch is #82 over it when it comes to her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. There's nothing flattering about being more obsessed with his ex than he is. Take a lesson from Angelina Jolie and distract him with a French chateau and some ethnic babies. If you're feeling a serious competition with your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend this is your own insecurity speaking. If you were truly secure with your relationship and you knew your boyfriend were into you, you wouldn't feel threatened by his ex. Chill out and live your life. Hey..eyey..eyey..eyey.


adeleSorry Jen this just sucks.


Ex-boyfriend's New Girlfriend:

Your feelings towards your ex's new gf will depend entirely on where you are in the ex-boyfriend life cycle. Needless to say if you're not over your ex, you're inevitably going to act like a fucking psycho.

If you're not even slightly interested in your ex-boyfriends new gf, then it means you've either found someone new or you were over your ex before you broke up, or he turned you into a lez. Still, you're definitely interested in stalking her from time to time. What could be more of a reflection of you than the girl he chose to date after you? Assuming you care even just the tiniest bit, even if you don't want to get back together with him, a betch always wants to win the game of 'who will die miserable and alone'.

If your ex is toting an unattractive rebound skank around town, this feeling is usually bittersweet. You're happy that he clearly could not find anyone as hot and amazing as you, yet you almost want him to succeed for the poor reflection this puts on you. Ugh, can you really not do any better? At least if you were dating models I wouldn't feel like I wasted the last 18 months with a huge loser who spends his evenings whale hunting.

If she's prettier than you (doubtful), you can feel slight happiness that that you're on the same level as this girl and set your sights on an upgrade of your own. After all, you and your ex weren't right for each other because if you were, he clearly wouldn't have moved on.

The betchiest way to handle these girls is to not give a shit. Concentrate on your own life and how much fun you could be having instead of dwelling on some random stranger who just happens to have the same affinity towards douchebags with nicely fitting jeans as you. Being concerned with someone who has your sloppy seconds or who your boyfriend disliked enough to break up with screams TTH. So get off your computer, stop cyber stalking her, and go get yourself a facial. No one wants to date a girl with hungry bitter angry eyes.





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