October 19, 2011
Betch Factor: 9.5
The Betch Who Lives There: is a bitch but totes has her shit together. Who the fuck is smiling at me on a street corner? Is the cab driver talking to me or the Armenian on the other side of his bluetooth? Do I need to say something if I saw something? The NYC betch has an attitude and fuck-off vibe that can’t be rivaled by a citizen of anywhere else. She has shit to do, even if it’s just going to a party or getting a $20 manicure.
The NYC betch went to Dalton, Riverdale, or Horace Mann for private school and dresses as well as most celebrities. She doesn’t drive a car because she has a driver, fucking duh. And despite what the writers of Gossip Girl want you to think, she’d rather shoot herself in the fucking head, or like ride the subway, than attend NYU with hipster freaks.
So like cool, the New York betch is from the greatest city in not only #63 America, but let’s face it, the world. She’ll endure countless #80 bitching from people from Dallas and Philly when she goes to college about how New York is so dirty and unfriendly. She obviously knows it's just because these small town hicks are jealous that they will never be a born-and-bred New Yorker.
The post grad NY betch wants to be independent, until she realizes that $2,000 a month will get her a disgusting studio in Harlem, so instead she just pretends to be.
Obvs she summers in the Hamptons where she can party with the exact same people from the city who now have space to drive their Aston Martins. She’ll often fly there because she 1) doesn’t have her license and 2) LIE traffic is for fucking poor people.
After college, she’ll get a job at JP Morgan or in PR (or MAYBE move to LA if she wants to pretend to #107 branch out.) She’ll contemplate staying in the city or moving to Scarsdale or Old Westbury when she gets married, but won't really until she has kids...because everyone knows the city breeds miscreant drug fiends by the age of 15. After hours in Central Park! Don't worry we won't go near the heroin pushers I know exactly which bench they chill under.
A Betch Who Visits Should: Walk faster.
If she's lucky she'll find a promoter to take her clubbing at the Boom Boom Room, SL, Avenue, or whatever the hot new club is in Meatpacking. Well, at least for another 6 months until these clubs suck and become infested with dirty internationals or annexed by the Jews of Long Island in their high-waisted skirts and Chrome Hearts necklaces.
Shop at Bendel's or Bergdorf's or in Soho. Eat at the Darby or Beauty and Essex. When she wants to be ‘chill for a night’ she'll go to the Gansevoort. Visiting betch beware, if you dare even think about waiting on the line, you might as well get back in your cab and go to Cellar Bar. Have fun ID'ing guys before you hook up with them.
The Betch Who Moves There: is the luckiest bitch in the world but will constantly be called out for not being a ‘real New Yorker’ especially when she does things like give money to the homeless, buy a Metro card, or smile and wave to people on the street. Vom.
The Betch Avoids: Poor people and the criminally insane. One of the biggest issues with living in New York is the massive amount of crazy wackos running around, sleeping on your streets, and doing crazy shit like asking if you want a tricycle ride to the bar. And we definitely don't take the subway, but we've heard there's a ton of weirdos singing and dancing down there like it's some sort of poor man's Broadway...but with like, a 65% chance of rape.
Would've gotten a 10 if not for: the fact that '10' is a score reserved for a hypothetical betch utopia, filled with SAB-Pro hybrids, yoga mats, and froyo, where betches can roam free of haters, nice girls, and calories.
NYC also doesn't deserve a 10 due to the fact that everyone in New York #36 works so fucking hard. Like this isn’t LA where you’re dating an aspiring actor with family money who only works three hours a week. Betches hate doing work. This is New York where the banker or lawyer you’re dating works all the fucking time, and even some of your office betch besties are like, traveling all week for their oh so intense jobs. Take a Xanax, New York, and let a girl live.