September 6, 2011
Betch Factor (1-10): 3
The Betch Who Lives There: thinks that being from Philly makes her chill, but really she wishes she could tell people she's from a bigger, more exciting city. She probably appreciates things like sports and beer, which she thinks enhance her "chill" image.
The "Philly betch" may not actually be from Philly, rather from a main line suburb. So before the main line betches go all ape shit because we gave "your" city a 3, we're not saying you're not betchy. Philly is not betchy. Main line suburbanites could've been New Yorkers but for some reason aren't, so they just go to sleepaway camp with them.
The main line betch was driving a beamer by the time she was 16. Maybe she went to UPenn or Penn State with everyone from home. Maybe went out of state for college, where she realized that she "hates girls from everywhere else because they're not chill and down to earth like her home friends." After college she moves back to Philly and lives in Rittenhouse Square or The Sterling until she meets a guy, gets a ring and moves back to the main line.
A Betch Who Visits Should: get on the first train to the other Pennsylvania. That is, to the train station in New York. Celebrities don't live in Philly, neither do frat bankers. Why stay?
The only pros in Philly are the athletes. Philly girls like, actually follow their teams. Weird. Philly is full of rabid sports fans so a betch must be willing to watch some random games to appease the bros. A betch will also hit on as many athletes as possible just to be able to tell other bros that he tried to hook up with her when she next sees them on TV.
Knowing Pretending to know the athletes clearly has its advantages.
As for nightlife, there are obvs some legit clubs, but like, nothing we've ever seen mentioned in US Weekly so who cares. Bars close at 2am and lots of restaurants don't have liquor licenses so they're BYOB. We thought 2am was bad, but any venue that doesn't give bros a chance to buy us drinks is at the top of our shit list.
The Betch Avoids: cheesesteaks. Bread, cheese, and cow all in one bite? These foods arent acceptable all in one week, or ever. A betch wouldn't touch a cheesesteak with a pole the length of the fucking space needle.
Also, any city that permits an event called the Wing Bowl, involving speed-eating chicken wings, is a place where betchiness goes to die. Betches don't eat, especially not competitively.
And the liberty bell. The only liberty we want is to be allowed to #42 dress like a slut while wearing a kitchen apron. Theres nothing less betchy than a tourist attraction that glorifies things like brotherly love and the dumb white bros who only wanted Nicki Minaj to count as three-fifths of a person. Also, that shit has a crack in it. They can't even interior decorate well.
Redeeming Factor: If not for the fact that UPenn is a top contender for the betchiest college in America, bringing betches to Philly 10 months of the year, this city would probably be even less betchy than it's northern unbetchy cousin, Boston.
Fine, they had Buddakan first. Congratu-fucking-lations.
Then there's the Shore, which we don't really consider Philly but all Philly people are obsessed with. It's like their pride and fucking joy. Main line betches would do well to stop calling AC "the shore" and acting like it's some high-class elite place to summer. "The Shore" makes us think of Jersey Shore and guidos.
But we know there are towns like Margate, Ventnor and Longport, where the betches summer and there are big beach houses and everyone knows everyone and all of their business. You dine at Tomatoes and go to the Green House where you know everyone and their brother and you drink and try to hook up with whatever older boy you had a crush on in high school. Or you go to AC to rage for the night at Mur.Mur in the Borgata or the Chelsea roof top. As you get more wasted than you ever could at a Philly bar you ponder how much more street cred Philly would have if they weren't too busy trying to bring back the fucking temperance movement.