Betchography: Washington, D.C.

By The Betches

January 5, 2012

Betch Factor: 5.5

The betch who lives in DC: doesn't actually live there, except for maybe in the northwest quarter. Otherwise she most likely comes from Potomac, Bethesda, Chevy Chase, or McLean, Virginia; but if someone asks, she'll say she's "from DC." In truth though, she's only familiar with the average ghetto parts from when she was forced to paint some ugly fucking crack den public school for community service in high school.

michelle obamaMy house may be white but I'm a tan mother fucker

The DC betch is WASPy even if she's Jewish, and she went to private school at Georgetown Day, Holton, NCS (omg, Mean Girls is like, ABOUT my school), Maret, or Sidwell (omg, Sasha Obama is like, IN my sister's class) . For the public school betches, Churchill or Whitman. She whored around with the Landon boys until she realized they only liked her because she was the Most Valuable Slut in their sex fantasy league.


You can always find a DC betch at her country club, whether it’s Chevy, Kenwood, Congressional, or Woodmont. If everyone in the greater DC area hasn’t been to your country club’s 4th of July party then it’s probably because you’re poor, or a socialist Democrat.

After college she moves to DuPont/Foggy Bottom area where she gets a job in basically anything but politics. Though we give DC itself a lot of credit for running shit in the best country in the world, betches have no time for that. Your #55 dad could like, own the Treasury, but you probs still think John McCain is president. That's because a DC betch has other things on her mind, like how to find a lacrosse bro who will take her on dates to Michel Richard’s restaurants. She also needs to manipulate a #62 pro politician to marry her before cheating on her getting elected to office. She's just biding her time until she achieves Potomac mom status, complete with a malt black Range Rover and surgically enhanced boobs to match.

The post-college social scene revolves around going to galas and fundraisers. These might be for ridiculous causes like Nutrition Awareness for Miniature Beagles or Diabetes Prevention for Overprivileged Youth but a smart betch knows it's not about giving back, it's about being seen giving back.

[Aside: The exception to the native DC betch is the GW or Georgetown* betch who came there for college because she has rich parents and thought it would be fun place to go to pretend she cares about the government or like, date someone who does - like notable betchy alum Jackie Kennedy and Alec Baldwin. She practically considers herself a DC native until she immediately moves to NYC after graduation.]

The betch who visits: is probably there visiting her bestie at GW (like, why would I give a shit about the Lincoln Memorial, I'm going to see Melissa and Nikki's new apartment!), because while DC is a legit place, it's not exactly the number 1 party town. It's hard to blackout in a place where everyone and their mother is trying to get elected and therefore has to avoid doing things like blacking out. Like, the biggest celebration to go down there in recent years was when Osama died. And even then people were only drinking beer, ew.

The place to be is in Georgetown, shopping at boutiques by day, lunching at the original Sweet Green, and drinking at bars by night, all courtesy of your local Congressman dad, fucking duh.

white houseUgh poor people, get off my lawn

The betch avoids: the monuments and talking about politics. Snoozefest. Don’t ask a DC betch if she's seen the historical landmarks. She hasn’t. Sorry but the only oval shaped room thing I'm trying to go near is the mouthpiece of my bong. Frankly, the only kind of monument we'd marginally be interested in seeing is one glorifying us. Unfortunately Sarah Palin, the only woman to make it anywhere near the White House while also doing nothing, couldn't even get elected, so it's unlikely there's a stone-statued betch anywhere near the Washington monument.


The betch also avoids traffic circles, any association to the Real Housewives of DC, Georgetown Cupcakes, and the national mall. Though the national mall may sound like a utopian village, it's actually where boring political bros and obese tourists with camera necklaces hang out.

Would've scored higher if not for: all the people there who care too much and keep up with the news. Oh and the ghetto. My brother has seen The Wire.** We know it's bad.

*Chill the fuck out. **We know.


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