Dear Betch, I Want To Go On Birth Control But I'm Afraid Of Gaining Weight

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Dear Betch,

I’ve always been pretty concerned about my weight, bordering psychotic. Like any betch, my worst fear is waking up one morning being fat. I’m very healthy, i.e. I stay clear of processed sugar and things like pasta and bread (basically gluten free).

Now here comes my problem: I’m dating this new guy who's amazing, with one hitch: He fucking refuses to use a condom. Like straight up, just won’t do it. So far I’ve managed to be safe (although I have had to use the morning after pill).

I finally took the plunge and got the pill, but I’m freaking out that I’ll gain weight after reading all of this shit online about my pill, cerazette.

My doctor claims there’s no evidence behind women gaining weight on it, but I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s driving me crazy, especially after reading this shit online.

Do you know it?/ What is your experience with the pill and gaining weight?


I don’t want to be a fat betch

Dear Fat Phobic Betch,

Are you that eager for someone to tell you what you want to hear that you’d take the advice of some random internet betch over your actual doctor? No, I’ve never heard of Cerazette and no, I’m not going to Google it for you. Wouldn’t it be cool if we did an article covering the pros and cons—including weight gain—of various types of birth control? Oh wait, we did.

Imo the pill isn’t the real problem here. Like if you don’t like the first pill your doc prescribes you can just switch to another one, you don’t have to fucking marry it.

Here's what you SHOULD waste your time worrying about: the fact that your “amazing” new guy straight-up refuses to use condoms. Helloooo, asshole alert!! He sounds like a reallll fucking douchebag. I can bet you the price of any gluten-free loaf of bread that if he doesn’t know his way around a condom, an unwanted pregnancy is the least of your issues. Get your ass tested and then have a sit-down and reevaluate your standards of greatness, cause this SAB does not seem like he’s it. Then again if you’re legitimately afraid you’re going to suddenly wake up fat, you may be beyond help.

On the bright side you’re one step above unwanted pregnancy betch,

The Betches




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