November 18, 2011
Despite the party involved, and by party we mean Ashton sexy-as-fuck Kutcher, we weren't exactly caught like a betch in headlights after learning of the Kutchmoore divorce. However, we're a bit skeptical that this is a simple cheat-and-breakup situation. Now bros, don't get all excited that we're immediately blaming the woman after the man cheats. Like "girl power" my ass, we're not the fucking powder puff girls.
But still, you just know that when there's entities like Kaballah and Nikon cool pix involved, there's something else going on. A 15-year age gap with Kyle Richards' twin does not a golden anniversary make.
So in honor of the
Demi/Ashton mother/son split, we present the official broast of Ashton Kutcher.
Before we get into Ashton's riveting roles and his
Golden Globes Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards, we must first delve into his most recent role in that movie called "tweeting uneducated shit about sexual abuse at Penn State," a spellbinding tale of a young male starlet who just wants to tweet and be heard, but can't because his evil management and PR team must do it for him. A modern day Cinderella story.
No but seriously, the guy can't tweet for himself anymore because of one little mistake? What happened to our First Amendment right? The candidates have something to think about for the 2012 election, perhaps the next step is amending the amendment to include a clause about freedom of tweeting. Betches for President.
Back to Ashton's life outside of the digital world, sure he's about to separate from Demi, who we will personally come after if she dare lay her single veiny paws on Mauricio, but let's talk about the fact that Ashton is also now single. He's like 6 foot 5 with a swimmers body and a contract with CBS that might as well add 2 inches to his penis. Even though his creepy stare reminds us of a possessed Jesus Christ, we just hope he won't go go all cliché on us and go for Blake Lively. That blonde ship may not yet have sailed but it's still boring as fuck. Honestly we' be more intrigued if he went for Helen Mirren. At least she doesn't have a
fugly daughter son named Rumer.
Anyway, Ashton has casually been in a shit ton of movies we love. No Strings Attached, What Happens in Vegas, Dude Where's My Car, etc. But now that we think about it, it's all the same goddamn character. This cute ditzy guy who falls in love with a girl. Okay, maybe in Dude Where's My Car he suffers from some brain damage, and in Butterfly Effect he's wheeling around all confused and shit, but regardless, it's all the same fucking person. Replace him with a female and you've got Anna Faris.
All of this goes without saying that we think it's fucking weird that he started dating 41-year-old Demi when he was 25. If Ashton's own Twitter scandal taught us anything, it's that we're not allowed to insert any pedophiliac jokes here...but boy did she rob that cradle. Oh Ashton, if you start dating Lea Michelle after New Years Eve comes out (vom) and go through some broadway phase, we sincerely hope that you'll come out on stage and tell us we got PUNK'D before Bruce Willis kicks your ass for breaking his family apart...again...