February 20, 2012
So today is Presidents Day, a day we honestly don’t give a shit about but are inclined to like because our friends who usually work on Mondays can get drunk with us today. In honor of this random celebration of America's VIPs, we decided to broast the current commander in chief of the free world, Barack Hussein Obama II. Or as he's called in certain circles, Barry.
Now while most presidents are your typical rich pro, Barry stands out from the crowd in numerous ways. First, he was born in a truly betchy state, Hawaii, where he spent his youth chilling and cultivating his #27 tan (I mean, his black dad helped but whatever).
Since no one in Hawaii does any work because their schedules are jam-packed with luaus and volcanic episodes, Bar moved to LA and then NYC so he could go to Columbia Uni. Like a true betch he majored in political science, aka how to manipulate people in a democratic way, with a concentration in cutting lines.
He then attended Harvard Law like lawyer betch Elle Woods, where he learned the difference between malum in se and malum prohibitum, perfected his body with Brooke's Butt Buster workout, and broke in his purple clogs. What, like it's hard? Barry then went on to become a senator for like 5 mins and then America’s first half-black president. Casual.
We know another election is coming up and we could like, sit here and discuss the issues, but that would require us to 1) know what they are and 2) actually give a shit. Two things that are like, boring as fuck.
Now let’s talk about the fun scandalous shit we know about the Big O and his presidency. He has a lot of haters, Donald Trump thinks he’s a foreign born Arab Muzzie who makes gas prices really high, his wife Michelle has really nice arms and hates fat people, and he once called Kanye an asshole. B-dog also has some other celeb friends because when he asked them to be in his campaign video, they were all like, fuck yes we can. Oh yeah, and he killed his last-name-twin Osama bin Laden, or like, had his soldier minions do it. Whatev, he’s dead. Shots!
When asked about his family, Barry said, "I've got relatives who look like Bernie Mac, and I've got relatives who look like Margaret Thatcher," which reminds us of our other fav pseudo American/pseudo Muslim family, the Kardashians! And wait, Barack also conveniently loves basketball. Someone better tell this bro that Khloe K is single again, we smell a match made in TMZ heaven.
And we don't want the Donald to have a coronary or anything, but shadily Barack also ties his mother's family history to distant relatives of Jefferson Davis aka president of the south during the Civil War. Well this is awkward…
Anyway, love him or hate him, Barack is America’s tannest president and regardless of your politics, there’s something to be said for that. So in the spirit of this ray of proverbial sunshine gleaming through in the worst month of the year, we wish a happy President’s Day to you and Barry O. We thank him for showing the world that it doesn’t matter how much pot you smoked in high school, you too can one day be president of the greatest country in the fucking world.