October 9, 2011
Christopher Columbus was a total shithead. He deserves a roast for the obvious reason that he "discovered" the best country, #63 America, but confused it with a country that's way shittier, India. Way to go Colombo, we've accidentally mistaken which country we were in also, but only when we were really barred out.
But whatever, this Pro ran shit on The Nina, The Pinta, and The Santa Maria, and he also made it cool to be politically incorrect by casually nicknaming the Native Americans "Indians." And even today this is still kind of okay. But isn't it weird how there are two nationalities with the same name? Imagine the confusion of playing Cowboys and Indians if you played the wrong kind.
[Side Note: You may not know who the Vice President is, and you definitely don't #2 keep up with the news, but every betch knows that in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue, and the name of his three boats. Why we know this is completely unnecessary. This spot in our heads would be greater filled by the OPI color wheel.]
So Chris got himself a national holiday, giving us all a day off from work, for something that he didn't actually do, because he didn't discover America, the NATIVE AMERICANS did. This is the ultimate #36 not doing work/#53 shady move. All Sacajawea got was a fucking coin that no one even uses. Sorry bitch, bills are for white people.
Also, not to bring up shit from Wikipedia again, but
Eric Northman Leif Ericson was actually the first explorer to come to America.
Whatever Chris, we appreciate the heads up on the whole 'world is round' thing. Without this information our parents might be more hesitant before sending us #3 abroad. So here's to our Broast of the Week Christopher Columbus, who can now have the factual claim that he was the first to discover Broasts, and who wins the award for the most cruise-loving shady bro.