March 16, 2012
The subject of this week's broast was suddenly sprung upon us, when we woke up to hear that George Clooney was arrested this morning! Apparently The Cloon is unhappy with the genocide in Sudan...can't he just pick another place to vaca? See what you get for #2 keeping up with the news, George. Should've just made a 30 minute long HD youtube video!
But we won't fault George for his arrest...I mean, his dad got arrested too and we have a sneaking suspicion it's just because some police officer saw an opportunity get his hands on some hot Clooney ass. After all, George loves his gay besties so much that he refuses to deny he's gay. When asked about whether the gay rumors are true he said, "The last thing you’ll ever see me do is jump up and down, saying, ‘These are lies!’ That would be unfair and unkind to my good friends in the gay community." We would joke about him experimenting all throughout college, but he didn't even graduate soooo...eek.
Despite the gay rumors, George has been named the Sexiest Man Alive probably every year since we've had a People subscription. No one remembers this but he was married once, and like a true #53 SAB, he says he'll never marry again. This is actually probs the reason he's one of the few bros in America who both we and our mothers want to have sex with. Fortunately, his dating record shows we've got more of a shot. That is unless your mom is an ex-WWE wrestler. Sorry mom.
Now we don't really have anything bad to say about the Cloon's career because he's a legit good actor with a knack for avoiding near-death situations. There were those two bouts of malaria, and the time he almost died in an earthquake but his pet pig woke him up and saved him (we kid you not). But George, don't think we forgot about the time you played Batman and needed
Cher Alicia Silverstone to save you from scary governer/nanny fucker Arnold Schwarzenegger, like come on. Okay fine we'll forgive him for that, if only because he has the biggest house on Lake Como.
So to all the Clooney fans out there (and I mean really, is there anyone who's not a fan of George besides like his arch name twin nemesis George Bush?), take today to ponder the success of one of the hottest old fucks in Hollywood. And George, please say hi to Brad for us. Happy Friday Betches, good night, and good luck.