October 30, 2011
In the spirit of actual Halloween (Again, okay we know. This holiday doesn't end.) this week's Broast is one of the hottest, creepiest, and most talented actors out there...so naturally we're here to make fun of him. For Johnny Depp, every day is like Halloween. This bro loves dressing like a freak so much he's basically made a career out of it.
To be fair, even though he's from Kentucky and his mom was a waitress, the fact that his face looks like it was sculpted by the Gods helps us forget that he's a hick at heart. We wonder if his hometown farmer BFFs care what kind of eyeliner he uses, because we're dying to find out. Was it only after he became famous that he learned how to perfect his dirty-chic look with an uncombed coif and subtle smokey eye or did he get pointers when watching his mom get ready for work? The world may never know.
Lesbian haircut aside, Johnny is pretty betchy. On top of being named the sexiest man alive a bazillion times in every fucking magazine in America, he's also going to be in the 2012 Guinness Book of World Records as the highest paid actor in the world. Now we know betches don't do work, but you better believe making $75 million a year is something we find attractive in a pro.
Speaking of his day job, let's talk about his roles. Whether he's playing a dirty pirate or a kid with a mom so fat she can't get down the stairs, his characters are usually somewhere between funny and creepy as FUCK. But like honestly, he's the only guy in the world that could look hot while playing a scissor handed freak show. No one could play Edward Scissorhands and Sweeney Todd without a serious dark side. If you're unconvinced, Wikipedia will tell you that he used to inflict self-harm as a child. Clearly this betch-in-training hadn't met Xanax yet.
Oh, and before he played Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, he played famous bro George Jung in
BlowJohnny and the Cocaine Factory.
Johnny has also dated lots of famous betches, including one of our faves, Kate Moss. And just like former betch of the week Hurricane Irene, Johnny also has a place in the Bahamas...perhaps she's his mistress? It's not like he's marrying baby mama Vanessa Paradis any time soon.
It's also impossible to forget his relationship with Winona Huge Fucking Loser Ryder, mostly because of his famous "Winona Forever" tattoo. Now it just says "Wino Forever." A tat dedicated to drinking? Talk about an upgrade, J.
As it turns out, that tattoo was actually perfect for Johnny and Vanessa who, like true betches, consider themselves wine aficionados and own a vineyard in St. Tropez. I mean, that's cool but like, enough with the St. Tropez Johnny, you're the son of a waitress from Kentucky. Own it.
Still, we're proud of him for maintaining his roots in some ways even while he acts like a completely pretentious douchebag in others. Like when it came time to name his kid, Johnny went with the simple "John Depp III" - he was all like, fuck being trendy, I am not calling my kid fucking Kindle, Moses, or Tree. I'm naming him after the coolest bro I know.
So Johnny, it's a good thing you're really hot and a sick actor or else we might not have been able to forgive you for being in movies about chocolate, all two of them. We're sorry for telling people you did voice-overs in 3 episodes of Spongebob and we're sorry for repeating it now. And next time we see you trying to do a French accent in some other eurostyle espionage movie we'll remember to be extra proud that you were able to overcome your breakout role as a huge fucking hick.