10. Candyland

By The Betches

Sometimes our drug dealers are on vacation too lazy to deliver (to my dealer: this is not how you run a business!) so illegal drugs are just too hard to find and we have to cut our losses and screw the hard stuff. Let's talk prescription pills.

Some of us betches may be lucky enough to have a doctor who hands out prescriptions like he's a fucking candy man (note to self: be friends with this betch). For the rest us, aside from raiding your daddy’s medicine cabinet during Thanksgiving break, finding these candies isn't too hard, so let's give you a run down of a betch’s favorite party favors:

Xanax: Oh my gosh. How am I going to go out tonight when FedEx hasn't delivered my new boots yet?! Massive anxiety attack! Must pop a xany now! Mix it up with a little alcohol and we've got the perfect potion for a night of blackout destruction (less drinking! So good for the #5 diet!).

Klonopin: A little stronger than Xanax, this one takes longer to kick in, but is well worth the wait. Your #7 token crazy friend will probably have a stash.

Adderall: Also know as "Diet Coke," this is by far a betch’s favorite study buddy… aside from that Asian in your Art History class who sends you all his work. From the library during finals week, to your desk at Goldman Sachs, this betch candy is all around us in plentiful amounts. (Are there really people who do any real work without it?) In addition to stopping you from watching Holly's World when your paper is due in three hours, Adderall makes food your worst enemy, and convinces your brain that you'd like to be a real person, at least until the 20 mg XR wears off.


candylandVodka Soda Mountain is just across the Adderall River and through the Vicodin Woods


Valium/Vicodin/Percocets: You don’t see these very often in your day-to-day drug trafficking among your besties, but here’s where to look: find the betch who just had her nose or chin done, the one who just got her wisdom teeth out, or the really hard core drug bro who takes all of the above at one time. Let’s talk about the perks of percs: why take a jello shot when your entire body can feel like jello? Yay percs! When you do come across these candies, if you’re looking to do a trade, each of these pills is worth several Adderall, Xanax, and/or Klonopin. We call this the betch trail mix.

Ambien: Take this to fall asleep after your Adderall, or engage your besties in a competition to see who can stay awake on it the longest without hallucinating.

Most importantly, when you're on spring break in some third world country, make sure to Google where the nearest farmacia is beforehand. A smart betch always makes good use of her Google maps! Just don't get caught smuggling anything across the border at JFK…

*Alternate form of pill intake: crush and snort



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