January 11, 2012
When choosing where to study abroad, every betch has at least entertained the idea of going to Florence. And why shouldn’t she? It’s one of the betchiest places on the planet. It’s small and exclusive, provides great shopping, and has more wine than you'll ever know. There's also a lot of art and shit that you can pretend to know about. Jersey Shore may have declassed our fav city for a little, but you can tell they only hated it because it was so chic and didn't have tanning beds, not because it sucked. (Side note: where the fuck is Astor?)
Whether or not you actually learned anything during your visit, a true betch smiles fondly at her memories while daydreaming about her Florence excursions. From the Grom gelato that she didn’t eat, to the clubs she partied in, to the Italian she never learned, Firenze will forever hold a place of beauty, extravagance, and blacked out nights in our hearts.
During the Day You Should: have drinks atop La Rinascente in Piazza della Repubblica and maybe see a Florentina 'football' game. That is, if you’re trying to pretend to know about sports. Most importantly, you should do what Americans in Florence do fucking best: shop. From the high end stores on Via de' Tornabuoni, to the leather market where you can overpay Massimo for a jacket, to the Ponte Vecchio where you can pretend to get presents for your family while really shopping for jewelry for yourself, Florence has an oasis of amazing fashions to browse and buy.
After lunch at Antico Noe, you should go to a local winery to get fucked up or swing by the David where you can see a hot naked pro sculpted like a really fucking long time ago. If there’s anyone who couldn’t stand fat people, it was Michelangelo. You better believe there was no cellulite on his portraits of that original betch Eve.
Climb the Duomo with your besties for a sick view and a workout after splurging on some actual solid food. Before getting ready to go out, you might also try visiting the Santa Maria Novella or The Uffizi if you're not too hungover (if only to buy your religious grandmother a postcard). Or, if you have no friends you can take a cooking class and pretend the 1,000 pictures of gnocchi you upload onto Facebook are your abroad besties.
You Shouldn't Go to Florence: if you’re a weight fluctuating fatty. Florence is not for the bloating betch as the food is so fucking good that you really won’t be able to resist. Like if you have a shitty metabolism and don’t want to gain 20 pounds, consider going elsewhere for your semester abroad because although you’ll be walking everywhere, most people’s asses can’t handle carbs for three fucking meals a day.
Anywhere you eat will have amazing shit but obviously betches only go to the most expensive restaurants. Go to La Giostra to be served by a Hapsburg Prince and dine amongst celebs. I mean, it's where Brad and Angelina went for their anniversary dinner. Casual. Go to Il profeta if your taste buds align with those of John Travolta. If you’re not trying to down multiple bottles of wine while eating the finest Italian ingredients on a nightly basis then like, go the fuck back to America you poor sober loser.
At Night You Should: hit up one of Florence’s many amazing clubs. Every Florence betch has a string of promoters on speed dial but if you don’t have Abraham’s contact info then like, who are you? Probably fug. Be sure to hit up Twice on Tuesdays (obvi after Dragooning at Kikuya: the only acceptable time to drink beer is when after just two, you will already have forgotten your last name), or YAB if you’re looking to get pushed down the stairs by the bouncers who apparently don’t give a shit who your father is. (A betch will quickly learn that Sophie is the only acceptable room at YAB anyway).
Any betch can tell you that Cavalli Club is overrated but Central Park definitely is not. Go to Space if you're looking to buy a new iPhone because there’s a 90% chance someone will steal your shit if you so much as check out a guy standing behind you. Oh and if you weren’t flashed by some Italian at the train station or on the way to a club you’re probably ugly.
So betches, if you’re skinny and love to shop, Florence is your abroad paradise. There may only be like 10 American guys in the whole fucking city, but not #8 fucking bros is what traveling from Thursday through Sunday is for. It’s time to visit a city where the only people who give a shit less than the Americans are your Italian professors. Live la dolce vita betches. Visit Firenze.