Betches Love This City: New Orleans

By The Betches

Fat Tuesday has finally arrived, and while that name disgusts us more than the stretch-marked strippers who are currently occupying Bourbon Street, we feel it's long overdue that we explore this crazy ass party city.

While nice girls and Brad Pitt may think of NOLA as a devastated place in #63 America ravished by former Betch of the Week Hurricane Irene's acne-ridden stepsister Hurricane Katrina years ago, for betches, the city has one meaning. It's just one big fucking party. Miley said it once and we're going to say it again, Party in the USA, betches. Basically Mardi Gras or "carnival season" is a joke. No one really knows what it's about, other than a great excuse for the entire city to shut down and party for a straight month. Seriously how else do you think they bounced back from Katrina so fast? They're clearly accustomed to shit being blacked out long-term.


mardi grasDoes this bead make me look fat?


Part of the reason we love Mardi Gras so much is because it reminds us of what it's like to live in a country that is a complete free for all, similar to how we felt when we were #3 abroad. Like, what kind of civilized American city makes the responsible decision to abandon open container laws permanently? Definitely one we want to hang out in. We wonder if they can they drop out of school out age 10 too? ...Apparently not, based on the synchronized mass of little minority kids in the high school marching bands playing in all the parades but like, maybe I dreamt that.

Anyway, like with all areas of life, a betch celebrates Mardi Gras a bit differently than the people on Bourbon Street, where it's impossible to walk and you can't help but get flashed by fat drunk TGF sluts. (Side note: we're coining a new term for Mardi. "TGB," Tryna Get Beads. There's no reason to ever flash someone for beads other than for the sake of the story, like, there are beads all over the fucking floor).


mardi gras


A true betch has a balcony overlooking Bourbz and gets to nail poor people with beads while watching the debauchery from a higher tier with classier people. That or she'll party at some frat spot alongside the parade, or with her besties who are visiting from Emory or Vandy. Mardi Gras outfit planning is a special stressor that's unique to Tulane betches, but it's likely that if you go here, you have an arsenal of purple, green, and gold attire that you've been rotating since you visited as a pre-frosh.

So happy Fat Tues betches, enjoy your week of being so blackout you barely notice the white trash who are peeing and vomming all over themselves. Luckily there's a shit ton of fat strippers around to remind you of the perils of going anywhere near "king cake" this week.





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