49. Betches Love This City: Las Vegas

By The Betches


“Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!”


So summer is finally here and that means many things. Even though our summer days are filled with trips to the beach, mall and the part-time internship that our dads got for us, betches eventually need to get away. It gets boring doing the same thing everyday, even if that same thing is rotating our beach chairs to align with the sun. That’s why it’s important to plan a lot of getaway trips with your besties. With that we introduce a betch’s favorite summer spot: Las Vegas.

Kim Kardashian

Vegas could not be a more perfect trip for a betch. Think Spring Break but with older, cooler people and no fear of getting arrested for not knowing some ridiculous third world country laws. (You don’t understand! My bestie said she was POSITIVE it was legal to buy ecstasy on the beaches of Mexico!!) Not only is Vegas a complete free for all where you can get whatever and whoever you want at any time of day or night, but this behavior is actually encouraged from the moment you arrive. There’s clubs, gambling, expensive restaurants, and some of the craziest looking people you’ve ever fucking seen. Uh...is that 75 year-old woman with pink hair wearing a sign that says "$2 BJs?"

Okay, so it’s not the classiest place, but where better to show off our perfect bodies that we’ve been working on all winter than at Tao Beach Club, where we can tan, drink and party all day and night with people who are just as fucked up as we are?

Some betch haters and our parents might stress that Vegas is kind of an expensive vacation spot, which is true for most people. But wait, you’re a betch. You don’t pay for shit, you’re too hot! Paying for drinks and cover charges is for bros and fat people. Once they get to Vegas, most guys spend money like it's going out of style and you can bet your ass we’ll be along for that ride. Also, as a betch you’ll naturally know a multitude of club promoters or guys at bachelor parties who will practically pay you to grace them with your presence. Sure I’ll let some guy buy me a lap dance from a stripper at the Spearmint Rhino. I’m in Vegas! And I’m helping some girl get through UNLV!

One cardinal rule that every betch knows is that Vegas is the one place you do NOT go with your boyfriend. If you do you’re a fucking loser and you can go watch Celine Dion at Caesar’s with my grandpa and his third wife. No one wants to gamble and go to clubs with their boyfriend. It’s like a hemophiliac attending a blood drive. If you can't participate just stay the fuck away.


The betches who actually do gamble while in Vegas are fucking brilliant. While lamer betches are #23 pregaming in their hotel rooms, the gamblers are meeting bros, getting fucked up for free, and making money. The casino offers betches a place where a mere cut-out dress will have guys throwing chips in our direction. Betches: one step ahead of prostitutes.

Sin City is like Disney World for beautiful, fun people, so obviously every betch should be able to say that they’ve been. Kind of like crossing off all of the cities you pretended to tour while #3 abroad (Side note: the Venetian has replicas of all this shit compiled into one hotel! How dorbs!), every betch should hit up Vegas with her bestie group. Betches should get to Vegas before they’re too old to appreciate it for the shit show it really is. Remember, souvenir shopping at the Venetian isn’t quite the same when your previous night’s activity was seeing a Cirque du Soleil show with your husband and kids instead of raging poolside, getting laid.


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