January 26, 2012
When it comes to college, a betch will usually encounter a plethora of guys who bring something special and douchey to the table. But with their sick bodies and shared affinity for #36 not doing work, it's no surprise that we hold a special place in our hearts for athletes. While they may not be the brightest, they usually have sick game (pun intended) due to being especially good looking and athletic in middle school and never having to try that hard with girls. But before you anxiously hop into bed with the captain of the fencing team, you should know that not all athletes are created equal.
We've taken the liberty of breaking down the athletic bros you're sure to encounter in your betchy existence.
Lacrosse: Biggest douchebags in America. See: Duke University scandal. Still, the lax bro is always hot and usually rich because poor people don't play lacrosse. Chances are he's from DC, maybe went to Landon. He clearly plays a sport in college for the sake of his reputation because like, there's no such thing as professional lacrosse in America so there's no way to possibly pretend this is a career move.
Football: He's a meat head and probably got into college for football, where he joined the football fraternity. He will never touch a book in college because he has tutors provided by the university and jersey-chasing betches who will do everything for him.
Baseball: Hot all-American types we think? That or probs Latino. Honestly do baseball players even go to college? We've never met any.
Soccer: A slightly more European looking but equally douchey version of the lax bro. There's something about a shin guard that makes me want to take my shirt off.
Tennis: The effeminate version of the lax team, probably from Florida. Sure they're hot, but their bodies cannot be described as anything else but long. Their screen names in middle school were usually Federerlover88 or IamnotaDjokovic314. The only two things being on the tennis team has gotten them is a stronger serve and the idea their balls are the size of the ones they slice.
Basketball: See the #110 Kardashians for merits of a swoon worthy Kris Humphries type. They are idiots, likely from the hood, but great for the tall betch. He thinks he's the shit, especially if his team is in March Madness. Will walk around like he's above everyone else because like, he physically is. He's usually a boob guy because he can see everyone's and will occasionally hook up with a fat girl because he can't see her stomach from way up there.
Squash: These WASP types pick up their skills at the country club and are usually pretentious as fuck. It's like, can't you just play tennis like everyone else??
Golf: Another country club sport, he's rich. However he's usually under the impression it's socially acceptable to wear a polo shirt at all times of the day. Newsflash: it's not. You'll often find this prick bragging about all the famous courses he's played on while trying to repress his urge to sodomize himself with his golf club. Save it for when you're too fat to play a real sport, like our dads.
Crew: You're a Winklevii.
Track: They're like, no one's type.
Polo: Got rejected from Oxford, went to Newport Harbor High School, and due to being a closeted homosexual he gets turned on by horse boners.
Swimming: He shaves, gross.
Wrestling: Has a chode and severely repressed anger issues and quite possibly a Napoleon Complex. Wishes he were taller so he could've been a 'basketball star'. Instead he's stuck performing what seems like a homoerotic dance on a mat every day while attempting to conceal his boner. He may or may not have some sort of skin issues due to rolling around on mats that are rarely cleaned. See: your high school gym teacher.
So betches, if you encounter an athlete you should play it cool. There's something about great physical game that means it usually accompanies a scintillating mind game. Basketball Wives showed us that athletes are as dickish as they come and often have a hard time growing up. Remember, he might not go pro but he'll always be a bro.