October 26, 2011
Betches, we’ve all been there. You met this pro at a bar a few weeks ago and you’re rounding out the end of date three. Everything’s been going pretty well. You’re debating having sex with him and begin to envision how cute the two of you would look in your profile picture.
At dinner you’re lovingly staring into each others' eyes wondering how this guy can be so perfect when the waiter places the check on the table. You reach for your credit card in a half assed empty gesture and somehow your card makes its way to the top of the receipt. Things just got fucking weird.
In some bizarre and unforeseen crazy twist of events, this loser didn't immediately swat your card and laugh off your generous fake attempt at paying. Wait, am I in the twilight zone? Where’s Ashton? No. Reality hits. This guy is actually allowing you to pay for both your meals. He’s fucking done. He has committed suicide in the dating world. This is what we call a dating deal breaker.
You get out of there as fast as you can, simultaneously texting your besties detailing the atrocious night you've just had while changing his name in your phone to Kevin Federline.
Dating deal breakers are so upsetting because you’ve invested so much time in this guy only to see all your good efforts go to waste. It's like raising a child who grows up to be a crack addict or Anne Hathaway. He's forever damaged in your eyes.
This is also kind of like in eighth grade when you were seriously considering purchasing a Von Dutch hat. However, the next day at school you see that fat girl with the huge nose and streaky highlights sporting one. She just fucking ruined the hats for everyone. In that split second, that whole trend died. This is what we mean by a dating deal breaker. All else being perfect you really just can’t get yourself to get over this huge dating foul. No amount of skinny betches he has lusting over him or shady texts he’s been sending will get you to forget that he has allowed you, a betch, to pay for the dinner that he ate three quarters of before he’s even gotten laid.
Dealbreakers are different for every betch, depending on the amount of shit she’s willing to take and perhaps her disgustingness threshold. Some of the most common include but are not limited to:
- Surprise body acne
- Crooked penis/ED/Premature ejaculator
- Gets really drunk and does some weird shit.
- Is eerily close to his #83 sister. Bonding about how much of an ass their dad is, fine. Doing this while she sits on his lap, not fine.
- Is cheap. Um, no I don't want to split a $20 check...
- Eats even less than you. You're a guy! Stop ordering fucking yogurt parfaits.
- Is weird with Facebook. You know what we mean...
- Webbed Toes - Uses excessive emoticons or exclamation points….Listen bro, curb your fucking enthusiasm. I’d be that excited to be texting me too but your texts make me think you’ve already came in your pants.
So, what do you do when you’ve encountered this dating deal breaker? How does a betch end things with a guy? Pick your poison:
The Phase Out - A betch with an eighth of a soul will choose this method. It involves being ‘busy’ when asked for followup dates, a gradual non-return of texts, and hopes that he will get the hint.
The Dead Out - His deal breaker was so obviously offensive that he doesn’t even merit an ‘nm you’. You treat this guy as if he has died and you wouldn’t waste a black skirt on attending his funeral. Whenever someone brings him up, you sigh and state that he’s DTM - Dead to Me.
The Truth – awkz. This is a last ditch effort to get this guy to stop harassing you. He’s left you various creepy voicemails with a nervous laugh asking you why you haven’t returned his calls and telling you to "call him...or not”. In this scenario, you’re now sure you’ve dodged a bullet but want to make sure this psycho doesn't come burn your house down. So you send him a text describing his offense and letting him down easy. “I think you’re great, just not for me” is usually the only lie it takes to get this stage 5 off your ass.
Remember, how a guy acts in the beginning of a relationship sets the tone of how he'll act for the rest of it. It only goes downhill after that. So, if he's a cheap bacne-ridden bastard before the one month mark, chances are he'll be a McDonalds-date-taking, Proactiv-using douchebag in three.