Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch Leaders,

I have just graduated from college, hence, have nothing better to do than play tennis on the regular. Last week, I noticed a former high-school colleague (who used to crush on me) watch me from the inside of his car. He sat in his car for a good 10 minutes straight and then drove away. Frankly, I was a bit creeped out.

During a gossip sesh with my girlfriends, I found him on Facebook. To our disbelief, he has somehow metamorphosed into an utterly attractive man! He's one of those guys that will be aging extremely well. He's totally heading towards that George Clooney path. He's successful. To top it all off, he's single. Now that he has grown out of his awkward string bean phase, mostly, any betch would want him.

So, I'm totally into this dude now. The last time we've talked was 4 years ago... should I pursuit? What should I do? Message him via facebook? What is the right betchy thing to do?

xoxo, tennis betch

Dear Tennis Betch,

This guy sounds creepy as fuck. Why would you ever consider making a move or initiating contact with a guy who’s too big of a pussy to get out of his car and say hi to you. This guy sounds like classic creeper nice guy.

Betches don’t pursue guys, and they’re definitely not attracted to weirdos who watch girls play tennis while jerking off in their cars. He does not sound like a pro or an SAB. Any guy who looks like George Clooney and is ‘successful’ does not have the ‘stalk and hide’ as part of his pick-up repertoire. Your desire to pursue this guy reeks of desperation. Try and date a guy who actually works out at the gym, not the guy who’s probably the next Craigslist killer.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

What do I do about this guy who I am talking to who just seems to be too honest to the point where it makes me feel insecure. This kind of guy will tell me how to go down on him, and then proceed to tell me that it just wont work and he's picky with his BJ's.

Should I be insulted? Because i was! I felt like I was a. ugly and b. bad at bj's which both seem to be not true given the point I am at today. He's also overly honest about how with other girls "yada yada yada". Do I scrap this guy? Is this one of your guy "syndromes" that you've come across?

Help a sista out!


Insulted and Insecure

Dear Insulted and Insecure,

Ugh, please get rid of this guy right away. Just reading this made us cringe and almost breakout in asshole hives. There are SABs, who use subtlety and mind games to make you fall in love with them, and then there are just straight up assholes who any betch in her right mind not only does not date, but straight up laughs at with her friends. You’re dating that asshole.

First, you should never go down on any guy who asks for it flat out. A true betch knows that with blow jobs, it’s the thought that counts. If he has to ask, you don’t really want to do it, so don’t. If you’re blowing a guy who’s insulting the job you’re doing, you’re not only being unbetchy but you’re also acting like a pathetic loser. Would you still hang out with a friend who told you the gift certificate you got her for her birthday didn’t have enough money on it? Why would anyone respect you if you let guys treat you like that? Dump this loser and find yourself someone who’s focused on making you feel great about yourself (although if you’re a true betch you already do). If you’re too insecure for that, at least find someone who’s shady in a hot, classy way. Like someone who ignores your texts.


The Betches


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