Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

I am in a very stressful time in my life and I have been forced by my girlfriends to ask for advice... I have been in a relationship with Dude for almost 4 years however, I just moved away to college, which is about an hour and a half away from Dude.

The last three months have been basically HORRIBLE. I just read #84 hating LDRs and I couldn’t agree more. Every time I go home, I freak out if he is hanging with any of our girl friends or we just hang out at his house and fuck, which isn’t too bad because it is almost always amazing. Our phone conversations are boring and basically always lead up to a pointless fight.

I love the Dude to the moon and back and he is my best friend but is this relationship going anywhere or am I doomed to be the girl who graduates college with her whole life planned only to find out dude is “over it”? Please help!?


Dear Lovefoxx Betch,

First, your nickname is fucking weird, as is referring to a bro as "Dude" with a capital D, but we digress.

Your situation is classic. We like to call it: having a high school boyfriend. Lots of times, people with serious relationships in high school suffer from the delusion that this relationship will work throughout four years of college and then a subsequent marriage. Yes, there is a such thing as high school sweethearts, but those couples aren't the ones who have 'boring phone conversations that always turn into fights.' They are the flosers who never get blackout in college and go home every weekend to see each other.

Clearly you are not this couple, and no offense, it sounds like your relationship could only be described as having run its course. If you insist on being wifed up, we're sure there's a huge selection of frat assholes at college for you to grant the nauseating nickname of 'Dude.'

And if his hanging out with your other girl friends at home makes you jealous, you should potentially reconsider the girls you are friends with. And seriously, you think this guy would fuck your mutual friends but you have doubts that he's cheating on you while at college? Lol.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

So first off I just wanted to let you know that I have had like the worst ADD ever and writing this first sentence has taken me, like, 10 minutes (aka my TDS was sexting me.)

Anyways, back to why I even took the time out of my post bar after party to send this to you guys, I need advice. My Used to Go Hard (UGH) biffie is just plain fucking gay now. After months of begging her to come out with me, she FINALLY agrees. So we went to the bars, we ripped a few shots of svedka, and she tells me she's tired and wants to go to bed. Obvi I want to stay to get blacked out and chat it up with bros, but she convinced me and told me she would take some hits out of our bong, (his name is Chuck). So we went home, she smoked one hit, and then locked her boring ass in her room.

I'm fed up. This is NOT the same betch I knew one year ago on spring break who was on stage trying to deep throat a banana. This betch is no longer a betch. She is a boring whore, and I don't like boring whores. I want my betch back asap... So what does a betch got to do reverse the spell of the used to go hard betch back into the queen betch? Should I tell her boyfriend she is not fucking bros? Should I tell her that her boyfriend has herpes, which are forever?

Help me.

Dear Help Me,

How a betch acts once she has a boyfriend usually reveals a lot about why she acted a certain way when she was single. A true betch acts the same both before, during, and after her relationship. However, if a girl parties hard and then the second someone wifes her up she becomes lame, it means she was only partying hard in an effort to secure herself a guy, not for the sake of having fun. This means she's probably an insecure boring loser at heart. Understanding this, it's best to just drop her.

You should definitely not tell her that her boyfriend has herpes, psycho. Betches don't try that hard to party with people when there are inevitably dozens of girls flocking to hang out with us. What are you, in love with her or something? You sound a hop, skip, and a jump away from tying this girl up and forcing her to drink and listen to you talk shit. On that note, crazy cakes, why would her boyfriend be unhappy to hear from you that she's not fucking bros?

Your friend sounds lame as fuck and you don't want to be going out with someone's annoying girlfriend, who's secretly sober and judging you for your high waisted skirt being too short. When she and her boyfriend inevitably break up and she comes running back to party, you should keep this in the back of your mind.

Anyone who thinks they need to be single in order to blackout, pregame, and go hard should seriously rethink their priorities. If not, ten years down the line they'll find themselves alone, fat, sober, and backstalking themselves on Facebook to witness the youth they spent watching movies in bed and like, doing extracurricular philanthropic activities. Vom.


The Betches


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