Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

With Christmas quickly approaching, I'm faced with a problem to which I think many betches can relate: what the eff do I get my Pro boyfriend? Is it even okay for a betch to buy a man a present? I've only been with this Pro for a few months, so I obvi wouldn't want to get him anything too nice. Plus, what if I were to get him something awesome and he got me something subpar (i.e. cheaper)? That would be embarrassing and so not betchy. Ugh, what's a betch to do?


Frosty Betch

Dear Frosty Betch,

Even though we are used to being showered with gifts from our parents and members of our extend families throughout the year, it's important that we know when to give back. We don't mean drop your iced coff and run to the nearest soup kitchen, we're just saying a gift here and there will show everyone that you're occasionally thoughtful. Like when I was in Ibiza I picked up my mom some locally made coasters and she was totes appreciative of the fact I did a nice thing and that I obviously have a deep respect for wood. Our point is that it's totally cool to get your boyfriend a present for the holidays.

Since you haven't been dating this guy for a while, it's important that you find out what the fuck he's getting you. I'm sure he has a friend that you're close to from whom you can seek some advice. But remember, these are your first holidays together so you're setting the bar for his birthday, and more importantly your birthday, and obviously the holidays to come. Get him something that shows you care but aren't obsessed with him. If after all of this you come out of the holidays with a monogrammed pen, your next move should be to get the fuck out of that relationship. Guy's not a pro, he's a cheap ass bro.

Sincerely, The Betches

P.S Frosty Betch is a fucking ridiculous yet hysterical name. Thanks for the laugh, see you're already giving. ____________________________________________

Dear Betch

So I've been friends with this girl since we were like 11. When we were 19 she did the least betchy thing ev when she didnt #abort. Like, I pretended to be happy for her and all but wtf was she thinking. Anyway now she has a baby and made me godmother. At first I was like "ok I guess I can run too bloomies and make my friends' baby the betchiest kid at daycare". After a few months the friend fb messaged me complaining about how betchy I am. Like I get that you're a mom now but I'm not so get off of your fucking moral high horse. Anyway I obvi couldn't have anyone like that in my life so we're not friends anymore. The prob is I keep seeing fb pics of the cute baby and I actually grew a heart and feel bad about not having contact w/ the baby. Should I send her a gift/card for christmas or just leave it alone. I am def not interested in having her 20 year old mom back in my life. This isn't the ghetto or teen mom. I can't attract #pros if my friend is walking next to me pushing a baby carriage.

What should I do? Childless betch.

PS I'm not having kids. If I marry a rich enough #pro he'll already have kids from his first marriage so I wont need to have any of my own.

Dear um..Childless betch,

What the fuck? Where are you from, the hood? Your friend had a kid when she was 20 and cut you out because you were being "too betchy?" The only thing that this shows us is that 20 year olds should not be having fucking kids because they are clearly not mature enough. Just because the girl's kid is cute doesn't mean you should feel bad about not being friends with her. She's the one who didn't want to be your friend, it's not your fault you're not a dumbass and are on birth control or use that thing called a condom.

You have your whole life to have friends with kids, you don't need to make that happen now. Your twenties are the times you should spend blacking out, not buying formula for your teen mom bestie. Sorry, but it's true. But remember, there's nothing that says fuck you like an e-card to a frenemy. So we say, go for it.


The Betches


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