Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

As a betch myself, I must say I am sorry for having to even bother you with such a mundane question... but given that my reputation is at stake it seems I have no othere choice. Like I said, I'm a betch. A true betch or I wouldn't even be in this situation in the first place apparently.

I was arrested a few months ago for a crime I'd rather not elaborate on, but obviously it was complete #bullshit I was drunk off of #wine and well.. It was a #partyfoul evening. I kept this little scandal of mine under the wraps, I mean who wants everyone to know that a betch got caught... and mugshots? That shit isn't classy. However, I recently recieved an envelope slipped under my door into my dorm. When I walked in with my roomie and I saw it laying there on the floor. Confused, I opened it and was shocked to see a print out of my mugshot enclosed in the envelope along with a note that read: "I'm sure that you wish that you weren't such a bitch after seeing that precious gem. Change your bitchy ways or I'll be passing these out faster than you can figure out 1+1."

I was shellshocked. As I betch I know how to mess with a fellow biotch but anonymous note. That was SO 8th grade. Warning a betch to not be her inner betch, like seriously WHO does that? What's a betch to do when she's being black mailed by some skank who won't even sign her name? Clearly I'm on her #WYDEL but either pass out the word or don't. I would rather not have my mugshot floating around campus, but is this girl bluffing? If she won't even sign her name could she really handle coming at me face on with a picture of my not so cute mug pic?

As a betch my first instinct is to get revenge on this out of line loser but how? I know her handwriting, but it ends there. Every betch has to pick and choose her batters, so do I fight or make nice?

Sincerely, Blackmailed Betch

Dear Betch,

This really all depends on what you were arrested for. If you were arrested for something like murder or child molestation or robbing a 7-11, that shit is insanely embarrassing and fucked up and you really shouldn't want anyone to know. However, we have a feeling you were arrested for something like public intoxication or a DUI. Whatever, it was if it's something funny, stupid, or a result of partying, you should own your arrest and make a joke of your mugshots as a souvenir of a fun night out.

Like, everyone from Paris Hilton to Lindz Lo to Khloe Kardashian have mugshots that are all over the internet and no one gives a shit or even remembers them. We're not saying getting arrested is NBD but we will say that as long as your parents can pay to get your record expunged and you didn't kill anyone and you try not to do it's NBD.

Trying to hide shit about yourself is shady and will have you looking over your shoulder for your entire life. Don't let this bitch win by thinking she can blackmail you because you're like, really pretty. Instead just tell everyone about it so she looks like a fucking psycho and then distribute that hilarious note around to all your friends. I mean, who has time to blackmail people these days? Are you Serena fucking van der Woodsen? We're really much more into the 'not giving a shit about anyone's life but my own' anger routine. People will forget about your whatever arrest, but they'll DEF remember the freaky blackmailing girl.

Remember, don't let the haters stop you from doing your thing. If you're afraid of your mugshots coming out, just show them to everyone and be proud of your party foul. Better to be the betch who's fucked up on a Saturday night than the sad nice girl printing out mugshots with shitty notes attached trying to get pathetic revenge on someone who doesn't give a shit about them.


The Betches ____________________________ Dear Betches,

So I know it’s February and girls are naturally suicidal around this time, but I’m legitimately at the point where I’d rather hook up with fucking Flava Flav than survive. This past weekend, my boyfriend went to the strip club with his friends and didn’t tell me. I don’t care that he went, but at least fucking tell me so I can go out and get even by doing something completely inappropriate. Then he “forgot” Valentine’s Day, which is totally understandable because there weren’t 5 million advertisements for this national holiday being flashed in his face every second for the past month. I was so over it until every fucking girl in my office at my lame internship had flowers on their desks and I had to listen to all of my friends talk about how fantastic their boyfriends were to them. Also, he never goes down on me and I have more trouble understanding this than fucking politics. I feel like it’s obvious that I should break up with him, but I also haven’t smoked weed in 6 days because I’m trying to get a fucking job that might drug test me and I’m out of Xanax and am therefore a liability to everyone around me. Tell me what to do.

Sincerely, Raging Pyschopath

Dear Raging Psychopath,

The most alarming section in your letter was when you proclaimed to be legitimately debating locking lips grills with Flava Flav. Please don't do anything stupid, we'd rather hear you want to you throw yourself off a building or like, wear kitten heels, than hook up with the man with the world's largest necklace. Not that we think you could possibly catch the attention of this talented and highly acclaimed two-time-academy-award-winning, nobel-prize-in-physics-nominated, rapper/gangster... but JIC you could, we advise you to stay away - because if you wanted to get back at your boyfriend, hooking up with this slumdog thousandaire wouldn't really make the cut.

Now onto your boyfriend who is either a shady shit, or just totally over you. We're not sorry to tell you this because the sooner you know, the less time you will spend looking like a pathetic loser who has to ask her boyfriend's guy friend's current hookup where he's pregaming tonight. We know this sucks to hear, but think of it this way: now you can direct your efforts to blacking out and making up for those disgusting couple kissing pics you probs have from way back with new ones of yourself looking hot (granted that you are indeed, hot).

And we'd be happy to mail you some Xan, if that's like legal or whatever. If it gets confiscated/lost/taken mid-transport you can always ask your mom.


The Betches



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