Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

Ok, so I've got a problem. Due to the economy, my parent's have practicallylost everything. Though we still have the luxury cars and properties (that we're hanging on to by a thread), my indulgences have been cut. Hence, no crazy spring break trip to Ibiza this year. As a true betch from birth, it is an inborn characteristic to take daddy's credit card and really have no limits (helloooo, new Celine!). Now, I can't do this and it's really depressing. I'm sure you betches understand. Like, this is poverty to me.

So this is the problem: my betch girlfriends don't really understand. I've told them multiple times of my embarrassing situation and they really can't comprehend why I can't be the indulgent betch that I've always been. I'm def not stingy, but, you know, I've got my limits now.

What do i do (i mean, besides getting a job)?

Thanks for your time betches.

Love, Poor Little Rich Betch

Dear Poor Little Rich Betch,

Being a betch is not about how much shit you have or how many fancy vacations you go on. Sure, those things help but at its core, being a betch is about manipulating the world and letting everyone think that you control those things and your lifestyle, rather than the other way around.

Of course, it's hard to go out and rage when you have no money. But here's the secret: you only have to spend money when you go out if you're a guy or an ugly girl. So use your hotness to your advantage and get a lot of free shit. Clearly getting a job is a surefire way to have money, but this doesn't mean you necessarily have to do work. Try for a job you for which you need to be attractive because these rarely require thought or real work. Things like being a promotional bottle girl for alcohol companies let you go out and get paid for it. If all of this doesn't work just get a boyfriend or a guy who really wants to fuck you and make him pay for shit.

Being poor sucks but if you're a true betch you know how to work it anyway. Look at former Betch of the Week Madonna for inspiration. She came to New York with $35 dollars in her pocket, but after a few minutes wearing a slutty corset and singing a song about being a material girl, voila... self-fulfilling prophecy.

Keep your head up high and remember, it's better to be poor than ugly.


The Betches



Dear Betch,

I am in more than a predicament. Basically this is a case of kinky sex gone wry, to say the least. One of my bestest betches is known for her more than freaky side. Yet at the same time, it's completely undercover. AKA she has a boyf back home who knows nothing of her little escapades. But that's beside the point. She tells me everything, naturally and about a month ago, I received a voicemail early the next morning regarding some more than a party foul evening about her doing the walk of shame and how she hooked up with this total pro. We FaceTimed and she laughed about how reckless she was and how she was pissed he never texted her and she was pretty sure he didn't even get her number. As the week went on, she started discovering bruises on her body and feeling more than guilty for being such a shitty girlfriend (fifth time, no surprise). Like wtf how intense did this get? one thing let to another, now it's RAPED and brutally beaten. completely absurd.

What's a girl to do? stick by her bestie and trust her gut that maybe it did take a couple days to realize what had happened? Or come clean to the police and come forward about the voicemail and texts saying she didn't regret it? After all, prison isn't a fucking joke. It's someone's life and he's already been expelled because of it. I don't want to be a shitty friend, but she wasn't fucking raped. That's the only joke there is here.

Do I use my BFFs words and actions against her? And potentially save this guy? After all it's college, who knows how long this friendship would have even lasted. I just can't help but to feel horrible for going against her because she trusted me. But being the first person she talked to, I have to make a statement to the police for court sooner or later.


Where The Fuck Was I That Night?

Dear Where the Fuck Was I That Night,

This is like a seriously fucked up situation. To us, it seems like you don't have all the facts and there's something missing. This story smells like a case of bad self-esteem. Two scenarios could have occurred here.

First scenario: Your friend fucked this guy, had a good time, then later felt guilty about it and needed to blame someone to make herself feel better about a decision to #8 not fuck bros that she clearly regretted, especially after he failed to text her and give her the attention she craved afterwards. The fact that she's consistently cheating on her boyfriend only increases the probability of this.

Second scenario: Your friend fucked this guy sort of/kind of against her will in a scenario where her consent wasn't clear or wasn't given. She tried to shake it off and convince herself that she wanted it but as the days passed she began to feel worse about the situation and realized that someone had taken advantage of her. In most cases, it's a mix of the two.

What you need to do is confront your friend and tell her that she seriously needs to see a therapist to figure out what the fuck happened and how to control the situation so no one gets falsely accused. She clearly has a lot of issues that go above and beyond even the situation you're describing. This is bigger than you and is way too big of a responsibility for you to handle by yourself. Tell her she needs to tell her parents, a psychologist, and the cops the full story. If she doesn't, you should. Rape is seriously fucked up but then again, so is lying about it.

Either way, we don't have all the facts so get the help of someone does and who can figure them out.

Good luck,

The Betches





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