Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

I have this sick obsession with professional athletes, in particular basketball players. I’ve been crushing on them since a young age and never thought I would actually act on it. One thing led to another and I realized that spending a night with an NBA pro is kinda fun.

Some of my friends keep telling me to stop because its unbetchy and quite whore-esque, but the thrill is too good. I know it’s against betch code to get used and be a one night stand but like these are NBA pros and I’m using them just as much as they’re using me.

Does this behavior need to stop?


NBA pro loving betch

Dear NBA pro loving betch,

We're just a little confused - where are you finding this plethora of NBA pros to have multiple one night stands with? Do you stalk them? Are you sure these aren't just really tall (black) people and you're extremely gullible? We just say this because even if we were determined to fuck someone in the NBA, we don't even know where we'd find one let alone several.

Assuming you haven't just been stalking the projects waiting for some hoodrats to get scouted, there's obviously nothing wrong with having sex with a professional athlete. That's definitely legit. However you seem to be describing yourself as a whore. If you're going to do it anyway, we'd recommend you at least spread your whorishness over a few teams. It's never a good idea to double dip on the same team. We also suggest using a condom because we have a feeling yours isn't the only stadium they've played in.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

Naturally, I only date older pros but I think I've pushed even my own limits recently... So I have an older man (let's say double my age and add 6 years) trying to take me out to dinner. He texts me stuff like "hey beautiful/gorgeous etc.) he is super rich. Like real estate rich when being real estate rich was where it was at. Do I take him up on his suggestion for a date? Do I try to get myself a sugar daddy? Or do I just continue with the boys my age with trust funds, great hair, and hot bods?


Am I too hot for a sugar daddy

Dear Am I Too Hot for a Sugar Daddy,

We’re going to ignore the fact that you said he texts you stuff like “hey gorgeous” because we find that in itself more nauseating than a 60 year old flaccid penis. Regardless, like anything else, dating an older guy obviously has its pros and cons.

Pros: He’ll probably die soon and might leave you all his money, he has a lot of experience in bed, and you’ll probably never have to pay for anything. For these guys, dating a hot betch is like an accessory that makes them look cool and desirable to other people who are old as fuck or to annoy their first wives.

Cons: He’s going to die soon, will probably want to wife you up right away, probably can’t stay up past midnight, might need Viagra, and people will think you’re a gold digging whore.

So betch, check out these pros and cons and decide if you want to pull an Anna Nicole Smith. We don’t really care either way, just make sure you’re in his will.


The Betches



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