Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

So....not sure what the etiquette is here for reader emails since I have just discovered this site through seeing a betch on facebook post a link on another betch's wall. I must say, these posts/articles made me laugh my ass off so I wanted to propose my own question as a new male reader. So here goes....

I'm a Pro, no doubt about it, played D1 football in college and now sell and consult within in the tech world and make more money than almost all my friends, and definitely show it off like an ego-maniac, but I don't really care because my friends know I'm good shit and were are just playing "the game" anyway (see the movie Wall Street for explanation).

So here's my does a Pro like myself, sell myself a little more subtly to betches on facebook, and other social avenues? My friends and I have a theory about mobile uploads and how you can tell the awesomeness of someone by what their facebook mobile uploads are. What's a betch's take on this theory? How can I attract betches without posting status updates about how I refuse to leave my apt. without wearing a pair of Ferragamos or how big my latest commission check was?

Our theory is that mobile uploads of vacation pics, cars, multiple group shots around a VIP table, pics from sporting events in boxes or awesome seats, and/or pics of just sheer awesomeness will improve one's social standing. (note, shirtless mirror pics are strictly for d-bags and a Pro should never venture down that road). Does this work for betches? Are betches going through my mobile uploads and judging me? I actually posted a picture of my new range after a wash and literally within seconds had a couple messages from chicks trying to force an awkward conversation because they saw the picture...."clean car envy" was one that I laughed at actually....nice try, but you're still not doing it for me.

Anyway...what's are the betches take on this whole mobile upload theory? Am I off base or is this a legitimate way to snag some tail or possibly a long-term betch? You tell me.....thanks betch.

Viva la Stool

New Pro Reader - Steve C.

Dear Steve C.,

You and your friend sound like a bunch of loser tools. Any guy who uses Facebook to show how wealthy/cool/athletic/etc. he is, and then emails a blog revealing his strategy, is trying way too fucking hard and reeks of desperation. While you may get some comments on the lame picture of your Range Rover you put up, the only girls who respond to that shit are either 1) also extremely lame 2) gold digging whores and/or 3) really fucking weird.

Do yourself a favor and adopt the 'less is more' approach when it comes to Facebook. With the exception of some rare uploads of shit that's actually interesting, you should refrain from posting just about anything on Facebook. In fact, if I were you I'd try hiding your wall and pictures, since you clearly don't know how to use them in a proper shadily manipulative way, and instead use them to try to get girls to fuck you in the most pathetic and tacky way possible.

We almost hope this letter is a joke so we can have more faith in the continuance of the Pro race.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

So I've been friends with this guy for four years and we recently got closer these past 2. He has had a younger g/f that doesn't go to our school for all of college and she was definitely out of his league (go him). She recently broke up with him and he came running to me for advice.

I tried to help him patch things up since she was obvs a catch for him. Needless to say she was over it and so was he. He started getting really drunk and texting me all the time but I didn't want to think anything of it since we're good friends. I guess I should have listened when people told me single guys can't just be friends with a hot betch, because he sent the dreaded "I like you more than friends" text and I don't know what to do.

I love to party with him and don't wanna fuck things up, but I mean I don't wanna fuck him.. like ever so this isn't even BBB potential. Help me tell him I dont wanna be your girlfriend because i don't think you're attractive but i still wanna drink your beer and use you to save me from losers at the bar, without bruising his ego too bad...


My Best Guy Friend Wants to be My Boyfriend

Dear My Best Guy Friend Wants to be My Boyfriend,

You've encountered a dilemma common to many betches across the globe. Often we'll befriend unattractive nice guys who feel cool being associated with us and will in turn pay for our shit and do us favors. Usually they're either in relationships or very aware that you're so out of their league that the thought of you actually dating them is laughable. While these guys are good when they're happy doing their own shit, things usually get weird when they forget their place in life.

The best thing to do in this scenario is pull the "I think you need to be single for a while" card. This way, you're not outright rejecting this guy but instead blaming your lack of attraction to him on being such a good friend that you value his having time to be single and explore what's out there. Stress the importance of young bros being single and fucking random girls. This, in turn makes you look like the more mature life coach betch who's just looking out for one of her guy friends.

Good luck,

The Betches


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