Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

While normally I spend my Sunday mornings simeltaneously laughing and mini-vomming at the people who construct such ridiculous dilemmas for you to lend insight on, I actually am in dire need of the head betches' help.

So, the Pro and I have been dating since summer and while we're from the same city we attend our respective universities across the county, a few hours apart. Despite the hassle of traveling and coordinating schedules non-fucking stop, we manage to pull off the whole LDR thing pretty well. The Pro is essentially perfect in every which way, total Husby material, and wants to be President someday( I wish I were joking). Landing this was harder than putting down 50 Shades of Gray to take a sip of Sbucks. Things were perf until this past weekend, and to save you from gauging your eyes out ill give you a brief synopsis:

Boyfriend's in shower and of course I'm beyond bored and Instagram and Twitter can only hold my attention for so long. I grab his MacBook and "unintentionally" stumble upon some incriminating photos of himself, alone,in compromising positions along with screen shots of rando naked sluts on some godforsaken "hot $ingles" video chatroom . Yes I'm fully aware of the fact that I shouldn't have been snooping but the zinger is that these photos were all dated over the span of the week I was in surgery and recovery this winter. Was the not-so-perfect pro just horny and needing to satiate his lackluster sex life at the time or do you think this is just too big of a no-no?

Please help me and slap me back to reality, First Lady in Training

Dear First Lady In Training,

If your boyfriend is retarded enough to post or send naked pictures of himself anywhere on the internet, the only way he can be as dumb this dumb and still possibly get to be president is if his last name is Bush. That being said, it's pretty natural for guys to look at porn. Girlfriend or not, and especially in long distance relationships, porn is something most guys look at with varying levels of openness.

However, this sounds like he's into some weirder kinkier shit. Like why is he video-chatting with whores on the internet? That takes it to another level. It sounds like he's into some weird shady shit and while that sometimes flies in politics, it shouldn't in your relationship. If you did indeed 'accidentally' stumble upon this shit you should've called him out for it right away, as you saw it naturally and not in a snoopy fucked up way. If it wasn't an accident then you don't trust him anyway and should break up with him for that reason alone.

Either way this relationship sounds like it went from "OMG BEST LDR EVER!" to like, weird confusing, and tacky. Time to move on. Tell him to call you after a consolation with Anthony Weiner on the subject of how to not show your dick to people on the internet.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

A friend of mine showed me this site a few months ago, and I've come back now and then because like everyone else I think you betches have comic talent. Now, a few semesters back I tried my luck with a betch I go to school with (we're in overlapping circles but don't know each other all that well) and got rejected...whatever, that's how the game is played. She went abroad while I hit the gym and fooled around with another girl (not a friend of hers).

Now my original betch is coming back to campus in a few weeks, while I'm set to graduate with a pro consulting job, a nice apartment and more practiced shadiness. My own experience says first impressions are everything, but I also think my stock has risen. Do you betches ever give a bro a second look, or would I just be wasting my time with this betch?


First Impressions Forever

Dear First Impressions Forever,

Ugh we usually don't do charity work for #33 nice guys but we decided to answer your question anyway. The answer is NO, do not pursue her again. This girl wasn't not into you because you didn't have a good enough job or a nice enough apartment. I mean Britney Spears dated Kevin Federline for reasons having nothing to do with him having the money to take her on vacas or the ability to spell the word orange. She dated him because he was a douchebag and she liked that he probably wasn't on fucking top of her. If you have good enough game, it doesn't matter what you look like or how much money you have.

This girl rejected you because she could smell your desperation from a mile away. We know that by the fact that you're still fucking into her. Drop this shit. Move on, and grow a pair. If you pursue this girl again she will be even more disgusted than the first time around. If you want to have the slightest shot with her the best thing to do would be to completely ignore her the next time you see her and if possible, find a hotter girl to make out with in front of her. Get rejected once, shame on her. Get rejected twice, you're a nice guy. Shame on you.


The Betches


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