Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

So I've been scouring your page looking for info on being friend zoned...HELP. Me and this guy have been talking for about a week or two and we've had a few sleepovers and he hasn’t tried anything since the first night.

First night we were both a little tipsy and we had a steamy make out sesh but that was about it. Since then, not even a kiss has been exchanged, just simple cuddling and sleepovers. I’m a pretty straight forward gal so id usually just be like "Yo, you friend zonin me or what" but I may or may not want this to actually work with the kid so I’m stuck on what to do.

Is he too much of a nice guy and waiting for me to make some sort of move or is he using me as a friendly cuddle buddy so he doesn’t have to sleep alone?


Hopefully not a friend

Dear Hopefully not a Friend,

There’s no article on being friend zoned on our site because betches don’t get friend zoned, we friend zone other people. Having real #50 guy friends is for fat girls so if you’ve already made out with this guy and he’s not making any moves it’s because he’s just not that into you. That, or he’s really your #52 Gay BFF.

Maybe it’s because he doesn’t find you attractive. Maybe he can smell your desperation. Maybe it’s because you admittedly would say things like “yo, you friend zonin’ me or what?”, a phrase containing slang and reeking of insecurity, something less appealing to men than Hello Kitty and belly fat. Whatever the reason, it’s time to move on. Cuddle buddies are for ugly virgins and characters on Girls.


The Betches _____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Betch,

So I dated this bro three years ago. He broke up with me (which was obviously a mistake) and naturally I moved on right away with a new pro. I am marrying my pro in one month.

Here's the thing... my ex has been begging for me back ever since I started dating my pro. Now that the wedding is right around the corner, his behavior has escalated. He took one too many trips to candyland and landed himself in rehab. Now that he is sober he feels like the past three years we have been broken up have not even happened.

He has been texting me constantly and calling my mother... telling her how he is still in love with me. Last night he left me a voicemail in which he was playing guitar and singing a song he wrote about me. I've told him many times I am getting married and he and I are not getting back together. I feel like he is trying to ruin my marriage. I try and be delicate about letting him down though because he has threatened suicide. Even if he is just being dramatic... I take those threats seriously (I lost a close friend to suicide). I still care about his well-being, I just don't love him like that anymore.

How do I get him to stop contacting me without sending him off the deep end?


Bridal Betch

ryan reynolds just friends"And I swear..."

Dear Bridal Betch,


Sounds like you dodged a bullet by having this psycho break up with you three years ago. It makes sense that he’s acting like this, as he has clearly become a fuck up since your breakup while you’ve moved on and are doing well.

Clearly after getting out of rehab and consistently threatening suicide, this guy has bigger issues than his eternal love for you. But when someone threatens to kill themselves when you won’t be with them, that’s emotional abuse. Seeing how this guy broke up with you and you haven’t been with him in three years, this really isn’t your problem.

You should be very clear that you’re getting married and not interested at all (in as nice a way as possible so he doesn’t try and burn your house down). You should also urge him to see a therapist as his emotional issues are more than you can or should have to handle.

Finally, relax, take a step back and pat yourself on the back for #32 winning.

Congrats betch,

The Betches


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