Dear Betch...

By The Betches

April 8, 2012

Dear Betch,

I am seeking the guidance of your infinite wisdom Head Betches. After being motivated by your post to ditch the one that WGA, and successfully doing so I have set my sites on a new target.

I met this Pro who is a friend of a friend that is the complete opposite of what I would consider my usual "type." He is the type of Pro that wears pink and spends his summers in Martha's Vineyard. I on the other hand prefer black and tend to stay within a ten mile radius of the city.

We have hung out around each other multiple times, in bars with our mutual friends. We both have the same tendency to get drunk during these events and get rather touchy feely on each other, but no moves have been made.

My friend who I met this Pro through says he normally is attracted to plain betches, which let's face it, is just stupid since he could have a betch like me and just doesn't know it yet.

My question to you head betches, is how does a true betch turn this Pro's eye away from the plain betches to hop aboard the awesome express?

Much Love,

Not So Plain Jane Betch

Dear Not So Plain Jane Betch,

While we applaud your efforts to ditch the dreaded WGA, you're avoiding what's staring you in the fucking face with this guy. This Pro you're speaking of is in fact the Maybe Gay Bro but based on the evidence you're supplying, he sounds like more of a closeted actually gay bro. Many MGBs prefer plain/ugly girls because let's face it, they're not attracted to either and plain girls are easier to 'bed'. These girls are usually nicer and won't tell anyone when he inevitably gets himself so fucked up that he convinces himself he prefers vagina and successfully or unsuccessfully attempts to fuck them.

The only way you could get this guy is if you grow a penis, or are trying to be his beard, and no guy is worth that. Find a definitely straight guy, which you'll be able to decipher from his attraction to attractive women and his making actual moves on girls instead of acting like a pussy.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

I greatly admire your betchiness in all it's splendor. Your website's thorough analysis of all relevant Betch topics is exhaustive and omnipotent, but I do find myself wondering; what does a betch think about astrology? Of course anything that tells us more about how awesome we already are is orgiastic fodder- but sometimes it sounds like dumb shit. And then you have sexology; the attempt to reconcile relationships based on some dude's birthday. What is an otherwise brilliant betch to do?

Love or something like it,

Bewildered betch

Dear Bewildered Betch,

Astrology by its nature is very nice girly. Have you ever seen someone's sign described as "Aries never keep up with the news, are always #5 skinny, and love fro-yo"? Exactly. They're more broad generalizations like "Virgos love to be organized." Like yeah no shit, who doesn't love their maid?

While every betch knows her sign and probably has some sort of jeweled birthstone and maybe still gets emails that she signed up for in 8th grade, no one actually believes that shit. If you want to read a bunch of nice girl predictions about how the "Mercury in Capricorn is difficult to communicate with today therefore you should be aggressive and pick up a guy at a park," you might as well stop talking shit and buy a cat and a kindle. Betches don't need Cosmo's astrology section tell them what to do. They do whatever the they want and make their own destinies.

If you're using sexology to find out if a bro is into you, we'll give you the shortcut that we don't need his fucking birthday to decipher: he's not. If he were you'd be too busy having sex with him to see if your signs predict a high love match.

Remember, only betches have the power to make the stars align any way we fucking want. It's an honor that comes with being the greatest people in the galaxy.


The Betches


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