Dear Betch...

By The Betches

May 14, 2012

Dear Betch,

My boss is your average asshole pro. However, he has been a reeeeeeal gigantic prick lately (flipping out about little stuff like his office being too hot) and i'm I'm weighing the pros/cons and am wondering your thoughts on slipping some kpins in his coffee?


Wondering how much longer i have to pretend i want a career

Dear Wondering How Much Longer I have to Pretend I want a Career,

While drugging your boss is often frowned upon, some people really need to chill out and you'd probably be doing him a favor. However, this route seems too complicated. Why waste valuable pharmaceutical drugs on such an asshole?

Our advice is to be overly friendly and passive aggressive. This will make your boss seem like an even bigger douche for being mean to a sweet pretty girl in his office. If you're rude or act like a bitch, he'll just have more ammunition and a bigger excuse to be mean to you. Sometimes people are just really jealous of the hot popular girl and like to take it out on her. In the meantime, start looking for a new job, as in a way to not have a job at all.

Good luck,

The Betches _______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Betch,

I'm heading to a couple music festivals this spring & summer and I need some advice on how betches go glamping. As a JAB, I had the "camp" experience but it's been a while and this is real camping, not a teen house or teen tour.

I'm pumped for the day drinking and music but don't want to lose my betchy edge when things muddy. Can you offer up some glamping advice for a betch?


Glamp Like a Pro

Dear Glamp Like a Pro, Lets start with the word "glamping". You cant make up some shitty word and expect us to understand the meaning of it. We believe "glamping" means glamorous camping. Any true betch knows that girls and tents are not a good combination. Betches and camping should never be used in the same sentence. But because you posed this question we felt obligated to help your lack of true "betchiness" and felt bad that you put yourself in this situation to begin with. The most important thing is when you arrive and if you must pretend to set up your own tent you pull your shorts up high and your shirt down low. If a guy doesn't offer to set up your tent within seconds of doing this you're a lost a cause and probably ugly. Seriously though, if you're going camping with anyone besides a hot guy you might as well cut off all your hair and start doing crack because you're officially Janis Ian. I can't imagine how gross the bathroom situation will be so be sure to bring your own toilet paper and do not plan on taking a shit for the duration of your stay. Make sure you have an ample amount of drugs to indulge in while you are stuck in your tent. Baking out your tent can and should be the highlight of any outdoor tent experience. I wouldn't bring valuables because some hood rat will probably steal it. I say hood rat because you really have to get down and dirty to go camping and the people that are usually camping at a music festival are dirty drug whores. As long as you have vodka and drugs, your "glamping" experience will be enjoyable because you will be too fucked up to realize you made the horrible decision to spend your weekend in a tent.

Good luck poor betch,

The Betches


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