Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betches,

I'll get right to the point. I love older men; they have money, they know what they want and they are good in bed. I don't see a problem here. I'm not talking grey hair and wrinkles but I love a man in his 30's. I'm 21 and a few weeks ago I went to Italy for the weekend and hooked up with my sexy cooking instructor. He was 38. While some of my friends support it, some of them think it's weird and say he was old enough to be my father. I don't give a fuck and I don't regret it but what I'm wondering is, what is the general rule of thumb when dealing with older pros? How old is too old?

Dying to know,


Dear Oldielocks,

Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, hooking up with an older guy is no big deal. All the perks you said they have are definitely accurate and they're pros instead of immature fucking asshole bros. We get it.

That being said, if you're still in college, it's pretty creepy to hook up with someone who's pushing forty. But once you graduate, the sky (or like, 50) is the limit. Once you go higher than that you're in the gold digging whore category. We have no issue with dating a guy in his late thirties as long as you legit find him hot. Remember to not give a shit what you're friends think. They're either jealous bitches or the 23 they're probably dating treats them like total shit and they get off on that. If they get on your case be sure to tell them to shut the fuck up and remind them that George Clooney is 51.


The Betches _______________________________________________

Dear Betch,

First of all, I feel that I should praise/thank you/whatever for creating this site. It's like, super refreshing to know other betches care about themselves just as much as I care about myself. Now, on to more important things (a.k.a. myself, duh)...

I obviously have a lot of great friends, the majority of them being betches who love to party and rage just as much as I do. But lately, my two closest betches (who happen to be my roomies) are no longer their betchy selves.

They've turned into annoying nice girls who wear bootcut jeans out to bars (like, what???), shy away from bros, and are obsessed with school and finding future jobs. Not to mention they have gained weight, like I'm kind of embarrassed to be seen with them.

I honestly don't feel as hot and betchy when I am around them, because betches move in packs and therefore guys notice us more, but now that my friends aren't as hot and betchy this is becoming a huge problem. Normally, with most girls, I would just say "fuck it, I'm over it," and forget about them. But I'm going to have to be sentimental here (ew) because they really are by besties and I would hate to lose them as friends. It's to the point where I don't even want to be seen with them, and when I do go out with them, they look like losers, which sucks because I do not want to be seen with losers.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, what is a betch supposed to do? I mean, I def. don't want to start looking like a loser in public when I'm around them. Like, they have so much potench to be betches again but they just don't care anymore.

Betches, please give me your advice. I've been friends with these girls since I was like 10. I value their friendships, but must maintain my betchy status.

Love ya,

My friends are annoying

Dear My Friends of Annoying,

Many a betch has wound up in your predicament. It's hard to choose between great personalities and great looks for our besties, but hey, no one ever said being a betch was easy. In this situation it's best to diversify. There's no reason to dump any friends, and a betch always has a large array of besties to choose from depending on the activity at hand. Sure, if the activity is clubing or going to public concerts and events, bringing the hottest crew no matter how vapid they are is your best option. You'll always get in for free and everyone will want to hang out with your and your hot friends. However, for those moments where you just want to chill and have like, a legit conversation, best to use your former friends for going out to dinner or iced coffee. Every betch needs someone to talk to and friends who are there for you through thick and thin. That's what the fuglies are made for.

Remember, being weird and not betchy doesn't make you an evil person, it just makes you not suitable for public outings. Remember, if life is a great recipe and diversity of the spice of it, fat ugly friends are there to provide the butter.


The Betches


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