Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

This email hopes to settle a bet between my friends and girls we know. I will note that I refuse to call myself a pro or girls betches in this email.

Apparently, the girls we are betting against hold this site's wisdom in high regard. If you all agree with us, they promise to correct the error of their ways. Cash is also on the line.

The Bet

Girls side - It is acceptable to go back to a guys room, get completely naked in their bed, and not have sex with the guy, or join in any other type of equally satisfying activity.

Guys side - this behavior is completely unacceptable and warrants the girl getting immediately kicked out of the room unapologetically as soon as the guy catches on to their plan. The longer they play this game, the less acceptable. Why get completely naked and lead us on like this? We think the reason they do it is to mess with our heads and make our balls hurt in the morning, but we're not sure. To us, this is the worst and most humiliating type of what we call the "make out and pass out." We are in no way condemning their decision not to have sex, just asking that they don't go so far pretending they want to when they don't.

We hand it over to your wisdom. Which side is right?

Much appreciated

Dear Partakers in "The Bet",

The answer to your question pertains mostly on the context but with some general ground rules. As betches, we are clearly faced with the dilemma of properly curbing our desire to #8 not fuck bros. But sometimes the line is hazy and we're not sure if we're willing to put out until it's kind of late. Thanks to modern rape laws and the fact that we're fucking perfect, society tells us it as an acceptable course of action to live by the mantra that "no means no" at any point in sexual activity, even while someone is in you. So unless you prefer the trial of a Duke Lacrosse player or various members of the NBA, we suggest you always keep this in the back of your head.

Now, I agree that getting completely naked in a guy's bed and then relegating him to the kiss and cuddle is unwarranted and pretty rude. However, if I refuse to take my pants/skirt/bra off then this is NOT completely naked and you shouldn't be surprised that I'm not fucking you. A guy has every right to suggest a betch leave if she's not going to have sex with him (why would we want to be in your bed if you don't want us there anyway?) but then you ruin your chances at eventually fucking a girl that is somewhat selective about what she puts in her body. Sucks for you. You can go back to fucking your fat street whores who put out for anything drunk enough to do her.

This also depends on what came prior to the sleepover. Are you guys hooking up? Did you just return from a #14 date? If so, make out and pass out sleepovers are way more socially acceptable as we assume you generally want to hang out with us, sex or not. However, no self respecting betch gets fully naked in a bro she barely knows' bed and thinks it's okay not to fuck him. If you're not trying to have sex, keep your clothes on and swat his hand away as he tries to put it down your pants. Or make up that you have your period or something. God knows we do that shit all the time when we're too lazy travel back to our own apartments.

In short, if you just met the girl and she's trying to pull this you should kindly suggest that you have shit to do early the next day but if you've hooked up at least three times and she's lying naked in your bed enough is enough. You should kick her out because if she's not trying to fuck you at this point, she's probably just not that attracted to you or a born again Christian. Either way, best to move on.


The Betches


Dear Betches,

I am a junior at an extremely hard-partying school. Coke is easier to procure than alcohol, and going out Monday-Wednesday-Friday-Saturday is the bare minimum. Obviously, I got extremely good at going hard and blacking out until all of a sudden I started to become the drunkest betch at not only all the bars and parties, but also the pregames. It got so bad and my party fouls so frequent that it finally started to dawn on me that my going hard and blacking out was clearly very different from my friends', and that I might (dare I say) have a problem with alcohol.

I stopped drinking (but continued to be present at all pregames and bars and parties) and I have to say that my life has greatly improved. Despite my newfound happiness, I still have this nagging feeling that my problem is just a weakness I can't get over, and that somehow makes me less of a betch. How can I stay betchy even when drinking is no longer part of my agenda? Or, maybe a better question, can I even be sober and a betch at the same time?


Newly Sober Sally

Dear Newly Sober Sally,

Although we advocate blacking out, smoking pot, and doing whatever drugs you want, being constantly fucked up is not what makes you a betch. Knowing how to handle your state of being constantly fucked up does. While many of us are skilled at being able to get wasted on a regular basis while still being seen as a hot, smart, normal betch who has her shit together, we realize that is an art and not everyone can handle it.

Kudos to you for understanding your weaknesses and making efforts to be a legit person. Anything is okay in moderation and if you're not the kind of person who can do shit in moderation, it's good that you know you can't do it at all. No one wants to be Lindsay Lohan or Courtney Love. They want to be more like Barack Obama who can have his Cakeocaine and eat it too. You can still stay betchy by continuing to have fun with your friends, allowing yourself to not judge others who can handle doing shit that you don't and remaining social among your besties. Sounds like you're doing a great job of not becoming the #66 UGH even when you are technically, the UGH.

Cheers to being fucked up but not being a fuck up and the people that can handle that sort of thing. We're a rare breed but so are those that know their weaknesses. Everyone knows that raging is a state of mind.

Good luck with your sobriety and remember to not give a fuck what anyone says about it.


The Betches


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