November 1, 2011
It has come to our attention that Betches arent the only ones who love this site. Though few of you will admit it, the Bro community has become a rapidly growing part of our readership.
Dont try to deny it, we've heard you using our terms. Whats that? You want to know if I have a BBB? Ha. I do now.
Numbered are the days of going out in your bumblefuck middle of nowhere college town, where the bars are full of betches just wanting to have fun and swooning at all the effort you exhausted to buy them a four dollar shot. Soon you'll be working ridiculous hours at some hedge fund and the only time you'll see Betches is when you're stalking them on Facebook or by taking them out on an actual date (seems like a lot of effort, we know).
Because we're tired of seeing you fuck up, and because there's obviously a demand for it, here are a few tips to help you navigate the unchartered territory of post college dating. And please, don't forget to leave your misogynist rants in the comments.
1) Don't be poor. Nothing puts you in the friend zone faster than flashing a green Amex. Ew you why don't you just pay with your food stamps. It doesn't matter that you're good-looking, nice, and would probably treat us well. If we weren't superficial and wanted to be happy we'd eat carbs.
2) Poke me once shame on you. Poke me twice shame on me. Never use poking as a means of getting in touch with a girl. It's creepy and strictly reserved for pedophiles and people not from #63 America. Do the classy thing and Facebook chat us.
3) Once contact has been initiated don't use outdated words or phrases like: "Dude" "Sup Homie" or "Hi Boo." You're not talking to Michelle Tanner or fucking Precious. Also, while we're on the subject, avoid words like "moist", "panties", and "discount".
4) Pick a restaurant that's diet-friendly. Preferably some place that serves laxatives, ice chips, and $30 salads. If you want to eat man food, we know a fat girl who'd give her third chin to throw back a filet mignon with you.
5) What you're wearing is almost as important as what's in your wallet. Every betch has her flavor (preppy, rugged, gay) but no one wants to fuck the guy in the short sleeve button-down.
6) Dating Etiquette: Don't talk about other girls whether it be your mom, your ex-girlfriend, or some girl who stained your sheets with her spray tan. We're not interested. Not because we're jealous (eh, maybe a little) but because we're not happy unless we're talking about ourselves.
7) Post date etiquette: If, by some miracle, the betch dubs you worthy of a post-date make out sesh, please avoid excessive S&M. We're all for a playful bite here and there, but drawing blood on the first kiss is a major turn off. We know you're excited, we would be too. But tone it down Eric Northman.
8) Cheat at your own risk. Being an SAB might make you cool in college but the post-grad betch is over it. You're not going to know the reputation and sexual history of every girl you meet like you do at school. Fast forward a few weeks, she catches you with someone else. Surprise, the betch you're dating reveals her inner BSCB when she goes Brandi Glanville on your family's Bentley.
9) When in doubt buy a Cartier love bracelet. Nothing says you understand us like a cuff that never comes off and will forever remind us of the fact that you compensate for your disproportionately sized ears with your appropriately sized wallet.