December 13, 2011
Have you ever gotten
an angry text a drink thrown in your face from your girlfriend, or a girl who thought she was your girlfriend, and you didn't know why? We know betches are incredibly complex creatures and can only be fully understood by watching a marathon of Clueless, Mean Girls, and Sex and the City (the series, not the menopausal hot flash that lasted two movies). But in the spirit of post-finals/pre-holiday vacation giving boredom, we decided to share our insight with you. And if we happen to somehow benefit from it, that's just right on par with most of our "selfless" deeds, aka the mandatory community service we performed this year after our most recent DUI.
Sorry, enough about us. Sometimes we get sidetracked trying to redirect the conversation to ourselves. Over the course of our young adult lives we've encountered a variety of pros who fit our ideal model for someone who's tall, dark, and douchey. But aside from superficial things like wealth and physical beauty, we also crave a deeper relationship with someone who understands our core values like sarcasm and social status. Someone who's not intimidated by our overwhelming beauty, twenty-four-inch waist and reality TV addiction. Someone who knows how to walk that fine line between backhanded compliments and verbal abuse.
But lately, it seems that pros, for whatever reason, whether it's laziness or lack of brain cells due to prescription pill addictions, do not "get" us, and often say things that are not only offensive but self-fulfilling cock blocks. See below for a list of the fifteen things to never say to your girlfriend, a girl who you deluded into thinking she's dating you, or any girl you're trying to fook.
1. (from any guy) "I can't afford that."
We're not sure if we've ever expressed this on our website, but we won't date you if you are poor. And by poor we mean anyone who complains about money or discusses out loud that he paid for dinner. We have a certain rep to protect and we're not trying to go on dates to The Olive Garden in your Impala. Sure your erection may last twenty minutes but diamonds last forever. Also, the holidays are rapidly approaching and if you tell me that you can't afford whatever overpriced purse, jewelry item, or dog I request, you're more dead to me than Brittany Murphy.
2. "I'm a virgin"
3. "You're the prettiest girl I've ever met."
As previously stated being nice is purely unacceptable. It means that you're not compensating for something with the entitled attitude that makes you ten points more attractive. Outright compliments have the same effect on girls as coke does on your dick.
4. (from your boyfriend) "I didn't cheat on you. Well, I was going to but the girl wasn't down."
5. (from someone you're hu with or dating) "I went to a rub and tug this morning. Don't worry, I'm not dirty. She only jerked me off"
6. "It's not cheating if you had to pay for it."
7. (response from someone trying to hu with you when you ask if he has a gf) "Well, it's complicated. She's in Canada."
8. (from someone you're hu with or dating) "I only hooked up with your best friend for second so it doesn't count. It's called the two minute rule, ever heard of it?"
9. (from someone you're hu with or dating) "I'm just going with her to her overnight formal as friends"
10. (from someone you're hu with) "I would've hooked up with someone the weekend I was visiting another school but I had already did with everyone at the pregame, bar, and after hours"
11. (from boyfriend) "I've never cheated on you but for some reason that I wont disclose, I think it's best if we start using condoms."
12. (from hu or bf) "Sorry I didn't answer your texts/calls/emails/pings from 8pm to 1pm. I didn't have my phone."
13. (from hu or bf) Girl: Omg I didn't know I left my lip gloss here. Guy: Actually you didn't, [insert girl's name] she asked me to hold it for her when were at the [insert event here] that you weren't invited to.
Being dirty and/or a creep:
14. (from someone you've had sex with) "It was stupid of you to have sex with me without a condom."
15. (from any guy) "I broke up with my last girlfriend because I didn't want to be a senior in college and attending a high school prom."
Here's the deal bros, one of the reasons we like you is because you're a commodity. Other girls wanting you while we have you all to ourselves is similar to why we buy Prada boots and Hermes belts, you are a status symbol showing everyone how superior we are, but more on that later. However, having a guy for one night and being his girlfriend are two completely different things. If we wanted to share then we'd get our Balenciaga bags from Bag, Borrow, or Steal. But we don't, because we don't like to rent purses and we similarly don't like to share guys with other betches, like if I wanted to start sharing I'd give my Kate Spade pencil case to my Ecuadorian housekeeper Nita, fucking duh.
So bros, watch the word vomit, because we'd rather you literally throw up on us than have to listen to your stupid drunken rants or compliments. It only takes one fucked up slip to find yourself alone on a Saturday night with the one bitch who doesn't mind that you're an asshole, your dick.