70. Delusional Daters

By The Betches

The name of the post says it all. We use the term "dating" loosely because anyone who seriously believes they're in a real-world relationship when they aren't isn't someone we would know. When we say dating, we're talking about when a girl is so delusional about her relationships with guys that she exaggerates them to the point that she has genuinely convinced herself that what she thinks is true. Losing.

This is not a type of bestie, this is simply a type of girl. Not every bestie group is so lucky to have the DD and the comic relief they provide. Betches love having a DD around. They're so fucking funny and since betches are always bored, they are the ideal entertainment.


kidsThe DD can start as early as childhood


The DD consistently produces hilarious moments because although they're completely clueless as to the true status of their relationships, everybody else knows exactly what the fuck is going on. That being nothing, there couldn't be anything more intriguing than listening to the DD telling the long-winded tale of her "really intimate stop-and-chat" with some bro, as if she's sitting around a fucking campfire explaining how she lost her virginity.

Her besties get to marvel at how she somehow manages to turn every mention of his name into a 25 minute discussion, complete with certain specific details that you just know she inferred from Facebook. OMG Bryan is going to Ultra this weekend too!

Yeah, that's not exactly a fucking secret. We all saw him write it on some girl's wall.

So you see, she has taken the art of losing and turned it into the equivalent of fucking paint-by-numbers.

But seriously, how many more bullshit movies in the genre of "He's Just Not That Into You" must we be burdened with before delusional dating is extinct?

Let's think about why it exists in the first place.

The "delusional" part usually doesn't come from anything that bros do. Lots of bros lead betches on to some extent, for one obvious reason...though it evidently continues to elude some. Sex. Fucking duh.

Delusional dating is entirely about the girl and the way she views conventional male-female interactions, like texting and hanging out and obviously sex.


girlThough the DD is waiting for nobody, she has no idea of this


She's the girl who tries like, way too fucking hard to be friends with his friends. This is for two reasons: to get them to say nice things to him about her, and to stalk him without stalking him. She will actively pursue any avenue, no matter how convoluted it appears to outsiders, if it will get her foot in the door with this bro.

But even more importantly, you can usually spot a delusional dater within a few minutes of meeting her simply by the way she talks about guys. So Scott and I were texting about like, what he had for lunch. He's totally gonna ask me to meet his parents soon I know it! Dead fucking giveaway.

So for all of you who, after reading this, have the sneaking suspicion that you yourself might be a DD, or maybe you aren't one but occasionally may exhibit some symptoms, listen the fuck up because we're only gonna say this once. If a guy is trying to date you, he will be clear about it. Obviously bros play games, but if one wants to be your boyfriend, we somehow doubt you'll miss the fucking memo.


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