Diets 2.0: This is Why You're Fat

By The Betches

All betches know that nutrition is important. And by nutrition we mean looking like we're in dire need of some. But before all the fat girls and self-righteous former anos start bitching that we promote an unhealthy body image, we're just saying that the best diet is to keep your mouth fucking shut. Let a girl starve.

On a more serious note, we've heard that obesity is a huge problem in America. We don't see these people too often so it's hard to know for sure, but if Jared from Subway says so it must be true. That aside, we can't just sit back and let all these fat people exist in the same country as us any longer. Hotel Rwanda and Schindler's List taught us that bystanders to crimes are just as guilty and also never get movies made about them.

Though we've covered some of the betchiest diet methods in our original post, it's clear to us that there are a whole bunch of "scientific" diets crowding our ideas out of the market. It's a testament to how fat this country is getting that we can't even find a single publisher willing to pay us to write The True Ano Diet, ridic right?

So we thought we'd weigh in on some of the mainstream diets that Jennifer Hudson and other former fatties are trying to push down our throats. It'll be clear that the only things that should be going down your throat are vodka shots. And maybe semen if your boyfriend got you an expensive birthday present.

Weight Watchers: This is generally viewed as the healthy, non-extreme way to lose weight. Fuck that. It's way too slow and involves math. If we wanted to spend our afternoon listening to the feelings of old fat women, we would attend English class.

girl with drag tatDoes this dragon tattoo make me look fat?


South Beach: All we know about this diet is that you're not allowed to eat carbs for the first two weeks, but like no one will stay on it long enough to know what happens after. Every betch has claimed to be "on South Beach" because it's the closest thing there is to physician-approved anorexia. Plus it makes us think of Miami.

HCG Solution: This diet is the fad of right now. Recently we've heard people talking about all the weight they are losing taking HCG, I mean who wouldn't want to be on a diet that advises you to NOT work out, in fact one that instructs you to do as little as possible physical activity. All you have to do is ingest ambiguous clear liquid three times a day. Sounds like a dream! But wait, I can only eat 500 calories a day, for like 6 months? And what was that? HCG is a hormone my body produces when I'm pregnant? And I'm taking like a fucking gallon of it daily? That doesn't seem bad at all!!! Sign me up.

Atkins: Hahaha, what a j. What kind of serious diet actually allows you to eat things like sausages and cheese and encourages you to eat full-fat whipped cream while forbidding light cream. Robert Atkins died for a reason.*

The Zone/Nutrisystem: This involves three meals 4 ounces of turd disguised as food being delivered to your house every day. Pause for reflection: isn't it great to see a meal plan that encourages people to stay active and think critically about their food choices? Like you want me to wait around for a delivery man to bring me the magical string beans and salmon that I couldn't possibly make for myself? No you're right, I couldn't make them myself because the ones they send you are carefully cooked with carbon monoxide. Unless you're a sad middle-aged woman trying to fit into your old mom jeans, the only zone you should care about is one around your refrigerator, and like not go fucking near it.

courtney bachelorYeah because we're sure their pre-show diet is Weight Watchers

The Dukkan Diet: We heard Kate Middleton did it but honestly, the royals do too much work.


The Skinny Bitch Diet: Though betches may not read books, we definitely read Skinny Bitch. Skinny Bitch was great because it taught us valuable lessons like never eat again. But more importantly, it exposed all the nasty shit like floor polish and rat livers that are key ingredients in any food that's not organic and expensive. These revelations were really good evidence that rich people do everything better than poor people, even grocery shop.

Being "vegetarian": Since betches don't eat carbs, if you claim that you're a "vegetarian," you might as well just come out and say that you don't eat anything, and then when you feel like you're about to faint you eat a cube of cheese. Everyone knows vegetarian is just another word for anorexic. But as a vegetarian, at least you can reap the benefits of talking about yourself and how much you care about the environment, and aren't carnivores such a fucking menace to society! I mean, I saw African Cats, OK!?

Speaking of vegan hipsters like Jodie Foster, don't be that crunchy annoying bitch who throws her besties dirty looks for eating spicy tuna rolls as if they're biting into the flesh of your first cousin.

Jenny Craig: Kirstie Alley, ever heard of it?

So by now it should be clear that the secret to betchy dieting is inaction over action. Kind of like that book The Tao of Pooh, that the kid who took our SATs told us about. Forget about these modern fad diets, just don't eat. It's a flawless method and like, way easier than counting all the calories and carbs and fat you ate. When it comes to food and eating, make not eating your mantra. Like Nike says to the Costa Rican baby factory workers who cry on the assembly line: Just Don't Do It.

*Supposedly he slipped on ice on his way to work. Or was he just distracted by the deliciousness of the Atkins-approved beef jerky that he was dipping into cream cheese on the go?





Powered by Disqus

Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login