July 5, 2011
There are few things betches love more than the process of getting ready to go out. We’ll shower and moisturize, make sure our hair is perfectly straight with just the right wave to it, and apply our makeup flawlessly. Still, nothing plagues a betch more than the ultimate question facing every
“Ahhhh what am I going to wear tonight? Ugh, I have like, nooo clothes.”
(Note: The latter sentence will always be uttered no matter how many times a betch has gone shopping in the past week. Inevitably, she will find something to wear and look gorgeous no matter what.)
So why do betches spend so much time thinking about what to wear when they could be doing better things? It's because getting dressed involves walking the hazy but crucial line between looking classy and looking trashy. Exactly how much of my perfect body can I expose to the world without being mistaken for someone Eliot Spitzer would like to take to dinner?
If you're a Queen Betch, you already know the secret to dressing like a slut. The art of dressing provocatively is kind of like avoiding a speeding ticket while you're driving 95 on an interstate highway. Just as your goal should be to go as fast as possible without being the asshole who winds up with three traffic violations, a true betch knows how to optimize her skin exposure without enduring a barrage of #1 shit talking for being the whoriest bitch in the bar.
Dressing like a slut began as early as middle school. Remember buying your first thong at age 12 to cover the underwear line in your first pair of Hard Tails? That was just the beginning. As time went by, our efforts to dress like a slut (while still appearing classy, of course) got more serious with each year. Soon wedges turned into 6-inch stilettos and we were buying Juicy tops that were two sizes too small so the 'OO stretched all the way across our chest. Classy, real fucking classy.
Nowadays, betches owe it all to Top Shop and Pleasure Doing Business for bringing the bandage skirt to the masses who can't afford Herve. The tight high-waisted skirt did for betches what the porn star mustache did for our dads in the 70s. It got us laid. This skirt single-handedly made dressing like a slut the only way to dress.
Of course, since betches will turn anything into a competition, fashion is no exception. Every night is its own unspoken contest over who can look the hottest in their sluttiest outfit without appearing literally naked. From back when we were merely Betches-in-Training, watching Cher from Clueless rock her endless array of midriff-bearing shirts, we awaited the day when we could sport our own crop tops...aka shirts that appear like they were made to fit our 5th grade selves. While some might say that this is a strange fashion trend, betches know the truth about crop tops: hiding your stomach is for lesbian gym teachers and fat people.
For the sorority betch, themed mixers are the perfect opportunity to show off our
creative style boobs. Whereas on an ordinary night it might be inappropriate to cover your nipples in tight caution tape and call that an outfit, an Anything But Clothes mixer pretty much makes this a necessity.
Now betches, it's time for us to make an important distinction. Let's talk about the covert versus the overt slut. Beware that there is a VERY big difference between dressing like a slut and dressing like a SLUT. The idea is to maintain a decent level of dignity while simultaneously making your father rue the day he ever decided to reproduce. While the overt slut's boobs are more out than Perez Hilton and she's just one casual drop of her Blackberry away from a 'bend and snap' that the whole bar will remember, the covert betch knows how to play it cool. She rocks her one-shoulder cutout dress like a pro, with just the right amount of side abs exposed to drive other betches crazy.
Overt = pairing fishnet stockings with a dress you've cut to make the hemline lie half an inch below your ass.
Covert = wearing jeans so tight that you practically have to do a gymnastics routine just to get them on.
Remember betches, dressing like a slut does not mean you can go around #8 fucking bros whenever you want. You have to make them work for that shit. The slutty outfit should be just enough to preview what's there, so this bro can fall in love and become your bitch for a few weeks before you decide to put out. As Beyonce would say, if you’ve got it flaunt it. And if you don’t got it, then you can always just raid your fat friend’s closet for spanx and a bubble dress.