December 19, 2011
As smart betches, we know that happiness in life lies in the journey, and not just the destination. Understanding this makes us value the car we drive, as it's not just getting there that matters, but getting there in style. What betch didn't feel like the shit in high school, cruising around in her white Lexus, wasting gas for no reason while blasting Chain Hang Low with her besties?
But while bros may find comfort and confidence in their ability to maneuver their cars with both speed and accuracy, a true betch can be spotted by how competently she drives like a fucking idiot. The concept of driving like a fucking idiot is based generally on the idea that betches have way more important shit to do while driving than concentrate on minor things like the road in front of them.
Now, we know what you're thinking. Betches are the best at everything! Shouldn't that include operating a motor vehicle as well? Chill, idiot. Driving safely is for those who give a shit about others on the road. True betches know that avoiding traffic tickets is for people who can't afford to pay them.
Here's an actual conversation had between the Betches, years after Betch 2 got her license:
Betch 1: Slow the fuck down, don't you see that guy's brake lights are on?
Betch 2: What are brake lights?
It's not that you're trying to endanger the lives of those around you, but who can be concerned with staying in their lane or yielding to pedestrians when your fresh manicure needs admiring and there are important texts to be read. A really great driver can go miles without ever touching the steering wheel, that's what you have knees for. Fucking duh.
You know you're a true betch when at least once in your life you have been yelled at by a random fat guy who you've cut off, in what was probably a Hyundai or Ford Focus, to "pay attention to the road bitch!" Sorry, but when you're this hot the road should be paying attention to you. Only fuglies should have to drive in just one lane.
Driving with friends is fun but when you're alone you have the ability to get lost in your thoughts and really self reflect. Can you think of a better opportunity to contemplate in silence the fairness of Carrie Matheson getting fired from Langley and how you like, really want to lose three pounds?
As much as betches love driving like fucking idiots in small convertibles and sports cars, there's much to be said for those who can master driving like a fucking idiot in an SUV. Sure I may be 90 pounds, but my x5 can kill your entire family in 30 seconds. A trendy Range Rover will always scream, 'don't fuck with me, bitch'.
So the next time your dad yells at you for all the speeding tickets he has to pay or your drivers ed instructor fails you because your most capable looking white collarless shirt from Fred Segal is at the cleaners, don't freak out. Tell those betch-haters that if you gave a shit about about the value of your fender bender or parking in just one spot you'd get a chauffeur or like, a conscience.