28. The Drunken Brawl

By The Betches

July 5, 2011

Although betches are usually pretty good about keeping their shit-talking and insults on the down low, it's also widely known that the right amount of alcohol lubrication can get the word vomit flowing in the wrong place at the wrong time. Enter the Drunken Betch Brawl.

Okay, so you've been secretly #1 talking shit about Alyssa for like three weeks now. Ever since you saw her talking to this bro at the bars who you hooked up with six months ago for like, 50 whole seconds, this betch has been coming way too close to #25 WYDEL status. However, you've been good at containing your shit-talking to sneaky BBMs, so the stupid bitch still thinks you're besties.

Welcome to Friday night at the bars. After six too many vodka shots at the #23 pregame you head to the bars and all of the sudden you notice your drink has been accidentally knocked over by none other than Alyssa, your irritation of the moment. Given this perfect opportunity for fake payback, you immediately start to ball this betch out.


jersey shoreThey should make more than one bathroom at the Jersey Shore house.


You fucking whore do you know how much this shirt cost!? I'd make you pay for it immediately if your parents weren't so fucking poor that paying me back would demand a second mortgage on your house.

The brawl ensues, sometimes even escalating to a physical level where the bouncer or one of your bro friends has to hold you both back while others look on in awe. Everyone knows you don't fuck with a betch. Mess with us, expect tears to stream down your face faster and harder than Niagara Fucking Falls.

Mind you, you probably don't want to find yourself in this kind of entanglement with a betch you know personally, so you can only imagine the possibilities when a betch is in a particularly aggressive mood and shit goes down with a complete stranger.

Cut to #26 Spring Break and some random community college retard is taking too long in the bathroom stall. You and your besties need to get in like, now, so that's when you pull your first move: slamming on the bathroom door like you're the fucking Gestapo. Stop giving yourself an abortion in there when other people have important drugs to do, you trashy whore!

This is usually followed by the opening of the door and the ultimate screaming match. A typical brawl might include:

"Oh wow, I can see why you haven't been opening the door, you're probably trying to hide your gross curly-ass hair!"

“My ugly ass hair? Look at yours! Looks like somebody's been using Loreal highlights home kits!”

Remember girls, nice girls finish last, and wind up waiting 45 minutes in the bathroom line.

We agree that it's not the classiest move in the world to get into drunken fights and casually ball girls out, but if it's acceptable for bros to get into fist fights, we can certainly pull the equivalent female move to make some stupid bitch wish she never crossed our path: making bitches cry.

Once someone cries it's proper etiquette to back down. You've won, no one needs to go to the hospital, and the winning betch gets yet another confirmation that she is more powerful and better in every way. Sticks and stones may break bones, but call a bitch a fatass and the pain of the eating disorder you just sparked will last much longer than the sting of your betch slap.



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