Empire Recap: Is That a Gun in Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

By Betch Waldorf

We return to Empire to hear the sounds of Selena Gomez playing while Cookie is fooling around with the guy from CSI Miami. Listening to Selena Gomez, having straight-across bangs, and making out? Is this 7th grade?

She’s like, “I have to work” and he’s like “nah,” and they decide to stay in bed all day, switching off having sex with checking her Gmail account. Sounds like the first few weeks of any college relationship. He’s also getting strange texts throughout the day- also similar to college relationships.

Cookie decides to have a festival called “Cookie’s Cookout,” which is like, obviously so original, with the lineup being only people from the Lyon Dynasty. So basically, you’d only go to see Tiana.

Back at Empire Lucious and Chris Rock's daughter are in the studio and Lucious tells her she needs to put feeling into the song, yadda yadda, same shit from every episode. He said he’s going to show a producer it later so it needs to be good, so of course she adds a few hand motions and the song is suddenly much better. Music is like, so easy.

Jamal is in the studio performing a song and sends the song to Cookie for advice, because it pretty much sounds like shit otherwise. How is it when Jamal does a voice message over the phone it sounds amazing but when I try and do audio messaging it sounds like my phone is rolling down a rocky mountainside?

She decides to help Jamal and Lucious comes in and is like, Jamal this is all you, I need this song done. So basically, Lucious has no idea that this little pow-wow is happening.

Meanwhile, the hot promoter/detective from Miami, let’s just call him Spanish Cowboy, meets up with other gangsters and tells them to back off Cookie because he has a plan that will make them more money. Remember he’s a bad guy? Yeah, that’s a thing. He’s planning on charging her for the concert and for “protection.” Cookie, you better pull your head out of his latino ass and figure this shit out real quick.

Lucious is at the producer’s house and plays him the song that goes bang bang bang, or whatever. The one with Chris Rock’s daughter. That one. The producer says that Lucious needs to put more feeling in it, because that’s the only critique they give in this show apparently. Suddenly, Lucious has a flashback of burying bullets in the backyard. Has anyone else noticed his flashbacks have a light green hue to them? Do they put the fucking Valencia filter over the flashbacks, what is this shit?

Cookies Cookout launch party is starting and they bring out the Latina girl group Hakeem is producing. No, it’s not 3LW. While performing, one of the bitches pushes  hot Latina, who is apparently named Laura, out of the way. Idk she’s been around for like 4 episodes now. I guess I can learn her name.

Cookie tells Hakeem that Laura shouldn’t be the lead anymore because she doesn’t have the personality- Aka she isn’t annoying AF. Hakeem doesn’t want to demote her because he has a big, lesbian crush on her.

At Empire, Lucious, Marisa Tomei, the guido lesbian, and Andre are talking about making money and idk, like, business shit. Apparently Empire isn’t doing too hot and Andre says that they will get their own streaming service and it’ll boost things. Idk about that, Andre- we all saw how Tidal worked out.

Marisa Tomei says that she wants to do a merger with another company and pulls an Olivia Pope- it’s handled. Basically demoting Andre to being the bottom bitch.

Lucious wants Andre to do what he does best and fuck the assistant mayor for favors. As long as Andre can take his shirt off, I support this. He wants Andre to convince the assistant mayor to erase Chris Rock’s daughter’s gang record. Can the mayor even do that? I thought they just cut ribbons for grand openings of Boys and Girls Clubs.

Hakeem recruits Tiana to teach Laura how be less of a fucking loser. Tiana gives about a sentence of advice and suddenly Laura is transformed into a beautiful butterfly.

Cookie gets all dressed up to go meet with Jamal and they get drunk because they are gay, black, and fabulous OKAY? Jamal gets invited to perform in the producer’s living room, basically meaning he’s the poo so take a big whiff.

They go back to Lyon Dynasty to practice the songs, even though it’s enemy territory for Jamal. Hakeem eventually comes in, and Jamal has to sneak out, like a fucking walk of shame.

Andre meets with his priest and shows him where he tried to commit suicide and explains his “gotta fuck the mayor” predicament. The priest gives some very unholy advice and is like “maybe you don’t have to fuck the girl, but you can fuck her over some other way.” So this is God’s real loophole- I always thought it was anal.

Andre goes to the office and the assistant mayor tries to fuck him, so he blackmails her with a sex tape, like the good lord intended. In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.

Mayor: God dammit Andre, you filmed us?!

Andre goes back to fuck his very not-hot, not-pregnant wife and is still in touch with his religion. See, this is why the only Jesus I acknowledge is the one who sells me chicken tacos at the 24-hour drive-thru Mexican restaurant when I’m drunk. He’s the real savior.

Lucious and Marisa Tomei go to meet the music-streaming guy they are trying to partner with and they’re at a boxing ring. Dude challenges Lucious to a spar and it’s like, yo this guy is a fucking murderer I would reconsider.

Instead, he insults Lucious’ music and Lucious knocks him the fuck out. Night night, biotch.

Hakeem is hanging with Laura and they are flirting and taking pictures, until Cookie comes in and royally cock blocks. Cookie is like “she don’t got it,” in reference to Laura. What is it that people have?! TELL US COOKIE WHAT DO THEY HAVE?

Lucious is in the studio and having more flashbacks of his mom scrambling to find the bullets that Lucious obvi hid in the backyard. Lucious is sitting at the piano, stressing about mommy issues, when Captain Daddy Issues, Jamal, walks in.

Jamal rides in on his rainbow train and tells his dad about the living room session with the producer, and like any good father would react, we can’t tell if Lucious is jealous or excited.

Cookie and Spanish Cowboy are making out and trying to find venues to have Cookie’s Cookout. They wanna do it in Harlem and the Spanish Cowboy says that the gang runs that area and she’s gonna have to pay for protection. Seems sketch but Cookie’s so whipped offva CSI dick that she can’t figure this shit out.

Hip hop concert in Harlem gang territory? Imma be there. Can I wear my Birkenstocks?

Hakeem convinces Laura to sing in public as her act of trying to be a superstar continues. She sings a spanish version of “I Will Survive” and draws a crowd, which never happens. When I see people on the street singing, I immediately dial 911 on my phone just in case they are fucking crazy and I need to make a safety phone call. After she gets applause she runs to Hakeem and finally kisses him. The countdown to them having sex in Hakeem’s hottub begins now.

Lucious and Marisa Tomei go to visit the music-streaming guy, who is now hooked up on morphine and in the hospital after getting knocked out. Seems like a little much, don’t you think? Fucking Hakeem got pistol whipped last week and that mother fucker went out and had sex like 20 minutes later. Of course the only white dude on this show is made to look like a complete pussy.

He’s a little hesitant to do a deal with Lucious, because he literally just got his ass beat by him, so they up his drug dosage while he’s not looking and basically force him to. I don’t remember that lesson from any of my business courses in college.

Cookie meets up with Spanish Cowboy and the gang members to strike a deal when Hakeem walks in. Hakeem is like, yo I’m a partner and I have a say in this. Spanish Cowboy tries to agree with Hakeem, like a stepdad eager to please, and Keem is like, yo fuck you.

They come to a deal and Hakeem tells Cookie that he doesn’t trust SC and tells her to be careful. When did Hakeem become insightful? Or am I just like, really fucking drunk?

Jamal performs for the producer and Lucious is like, yaaaaaa I helped him but we all know he ain’t shit. Then Lucious has a flashback of his mom, who is played by Kelly Rowland, finding one bullet that he forgot to hide, whoops. This must have been towards the end of Destiny’s Child.

Back at Lyon Dynasty, Laura shoves the other girl out of the way and is back on top much to Hakeem and Cookie’s approval. Hakeem only sticks his dick in A-listers so she needs to maintain this shit, mmmk?

Lucious and Marisa Tomei get drunk and start getting sexually aggressive with girls and start muttering shit about the springtime, sounding a lot like the group of hobos that live by the 7/11 down the street.

They bring a girl home for a threesome and are just hammered, dancing around like two blackout sorority girls after a “Thirsty Thursday” at the local frat house. Why isn’t this girl concerned for her life? You went home with two complete strangers who are looking at you like rabid wolves and one is a legit fucking murderer? Who are your parents?

Marisa leaves to take a phone call with a girlfriend? Idk, she’s crying and shit and instantly becomes that girl you hate at every party. Lucious is fucking turnt and takes the phone and is like “LEAVE MARISA ALONE SHE’S GOTTA FACE LIKE SUNSHINE AND SHE SMELLS LIKE PINE NEEDLES.” He stands up for this random crying lesbian more than he ever has for his family.

Lucious convinces her to come back and have the threesome, which mostly consists of Marisa and Lucious making out. The whore they are about to fuck has a gun tattoo, which is like a little morbid for a tramp stamp. I guess people don’t get butterflies and dolphins anymore? Does she have a switchblade on her lower back?

Lucious leaves because seeing a gun triggered a flashback to his mom attempting suicide in front of his face, making this the most fucking depressing orgy ever.

He finds an old gun, stuffs it in his pants pocket, and goes to the studio, where he meets up with Chris Rock’s daughter. Two gangsters and a gun? Sounds like a fucking party. They meet up and perform their stupid bang bang song, putting in “more feeling” because really, that’s all music is, right?





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