Empire Recap: Straight Out of Empire, Crazy Motherfucker Named Lucious

By Betch Waldorf

The episode starts with FBI showing up to Empire while Jamal sings a song that sounds exactly the same as all the others. He’s saying that the album will be called “The Artist,” as opposed to his original title “Daddy Why Don’t You Love Me.”

The FBI sends every employee ever to raid Empire and trash all of Lucious’ shit. I’ve seen enough Criminal Minds to know that you’re not going to have a 100 person raid. And just when Cookie thinks this is great for Dynasty, lol, they get raided too.

Lucious is in bed with another girl when the creepy lawyer, (who is living at Lucious’ house?) Is like yo, shit is going down. Okay so wait, Lucious is on bail, can party, fuck bitches, and legally can’t go to work? This bail is the shit. I’m gonna go murder someone, brb.

The dominatrix lawyer shows up to Lucious’ and he’s waiting there for her, naked, saying “look anywhere.” Look, I’m not a cop but isn’t this bordering on sexual harassment. And seriously, if I wanted to see a dad bod I would go to TFM. Terrence Howard get your man boobs off my television.

Lucious goes to empire even though he’s not allowed and he’s like, we should be spending more money because “if the cops raid you, you’re a G. But if the Feds raid you, you’re an OG.” That’s great hood logic and all, but idk how the corporation is going to thrive with that premise. I imagine Lucious going to investors and being like WE’RE OG! GIVE US MONEY!

The whole family meets up to talk. They only do this a) when someone is trying to murder them and b) when they are all being accused of the murder. #famILY Hakeem asks some actual real questions and of course, never gets an actual real answer.

Keem: Dad, did you kill Bunkie?
Lucious: Bunkie was like a brother to me.
Keem: Yeah, but did you kill him?
Lucious: Bunkie was like a brother to me.

The issue with Vernon is brought up and everyone is like “we need to find Vernon” and Andre is like, fuck me right?

Cookie and Lucious meet up and discuss business. Lucious says he won’t poach on any of Dynasty’s talent if Jamal and Hakeem will perform in a video together. Cookie tells Lucious that Boo-Boo Kitty said some shit about how Lucious is trying to steal his songs, which Lucious totally denies. Cookie is like “hmmm, who can I trust?” ABSOLUTELY NO ONE COOKIE. LITERALLY NO ONE. Didn’t you go to jail? Don’t you understand this concept?

Cookie leaves, telling Lucious that he was a shit father and that he should be nicer to Andre if he wants to see his grandson. She walks away and I’m surprised Lucious doesn’t yell something sexually aggressive at her, because you know, it’s Lucious.

Meanwhile pretty princess Jamal has a photoshoot with Rolling Stone where they dress him like a gay monk standing in front of a fucking rainbow.

The guy shooting Jamal looks like Tom Green from Charlie’s Angel, except on like, more crack. He’s about two seconds away for screaming “THE CHAD” when he calls Jamal “gorgeous,” making Ricky Martin a little jelly.

Andre and Lucious meet up and Lucious is like I’m a shitty dad but I’ll be a better granddad. If at first you don’t succeed, try again, right? Andre is like “if I make this go away, can I get back in Empire?” and there is pretty much no way of making this go away without killing someone. Lucious knows this. Wanna know why? BECAUSE HE FUCKING KILLED SOMEONE.

Andre walks away and Lucious looks after him like, yo, that motherfucker crazy. Imma follow him doe.

Lucious tries to bribe Hakeem with a sick beat to get him to come back to Empire, and Keem is like, nah I’m over your shit. You know that life is hard when Hakeem is your favorite person in the episode.

Hakeem and Jamal do a video where they play black panther people going against the police. Hmm, I wonder if there is an underlying meaning in that? Cookie is like “way to be subtle” and the lesbian/Marisa Tomei is like WE NEED TO SHOW THEM NOT TO FUCK WITH BLACK PEOPLE. Okay, chill out Porcelain. You do realize you’re whiter than snow, right?

Andre says he is going to dig up Vernon and God is speaking to him. Blondie is like, oh fuck this dude is batshit crazy. She gives him the most awkward hug and is secretly thinking “I did not sign up for this shit.”

Cookie gets arrested because Porshe got caught not paying for a subway. Apparently she broke the law and said “call Cookie Lyons” and Cookie got arrested. THAT’S NOT REAL. If anyone could do that, I would be killing people and telling the cops to call my ex boyfriend Frank. And his new fiancé. Fuck her too.

The dominatrix lawyer is like, Cookie if you don’t get me what I want then I’m going to fuck over your children. I don't know what she could have on Hakeem besides the fact that his rapping should be illegal, and all they have on Andre is that he is a smidge bi-polar.

Andre goes to dig up Vernon and Blondie is like “I’ll go because I’m a ride-or-die chick.” She’s the whole reason people say #stopwhitepeople. Okay Blondie, you’re a ride or die until your curfew at the sorority house is up. Also, I don’t think killing people is within the chapter bilaws. Andre and Blondie go to dig up a body and act like they are going on a fucking mini-golf date.

Tom Green shows up with Jamal’s gay ass painting and everyone in the building acts like giants vaginas while gawking at it. Hakeem is like get this shit is wack and stabs the painting, with a knife he pulled out of thin air? What? Anyways, it’s legit. Yeah, fuck you Jamal!

At Lucious is secretly pumped the Hakeem got mad, ya know because he’s obviously a great Dad. But then mid-music video Hakeem and Jamal start fighting and Keem tries to beat Jamal with a baseball bat. He then is like “WHY IS EVERYONE SURPRISED?! THIS FAMILY IS DOGSHIT!” He drops the mic, tells his family he’s never coming back and sets out, in search of his mommy.

Keem: I’m never going to call you Dad! Not even in a fire!

Cookie has all these flashbacks of being back in jail and being suicidal and decides, fuck it, I’m gonna rat out Lucious. What’s the worst he can do? It’s not like he murders people and ruins lives!

Cookie first compliments the lawyer on her weave, which is equal to saying “hello there” and then Cookie spills the beans. Cookie tells the lawyer that Bunkie was murdered over the APEX radio gig, which is obviously complete bullshit. Like, why the fuck would Bunkie give a shit about radio? Whatever. The lawyer is like, perfect, I’m going to shut down the radio deal. Proving two things: this lawyer is a dumbass/an insult to lawyers everywhere AND Cookie wins.

Andre and Blondie are digging up Vernon when Lucious and his creepy lawyer show up with a corpse finder. Can I get that on Amazon Prime? Why do you just have that in your car?

Lucious says he put a tracking device in Andre’s car. So wait, tracking devices and corpse finders? This is some Spy Kids shit. Did they go visit Uncle Raymundo before this episode?

Lucious is like “you saved my life son” and I’ve never seen someone so proud of their son being a murderer. They all start digging together as a family, because taking a simple vacation to Disneyland just doesn’t constitute a real family bonding experience.

Hakeem is drinking in some rundown bar, considering telling Jamal he’s sorry (which is so not betchy, btw. Never apologize) and this Latina girl comes on stage and starts singing like an angel. Hakeem is like, wait fuck the apology, I’m gonna check out this girl. I give it only two more episodes before this girl and Hakeem are hooking up in his bathtub.

But hey, at least she is better than Becky G. At least I can’t stick a whole finger through the gap in tooth.

They pull out Vernon’s dead body and the Lyon’s guys have a chance to pay their respects. This is how it goes:

Andre: Vernon, I’m so sorry, ily a billy, my b. I didn’t mean to kill you #regrets
Lucious: Vernon, you piece of shit if you weren’t dead I would make a sexually charged comment at you and show you my man titties.

Boo-Boo Kitty comes back to Cookie and tries desperately to get back in her good graces. Cookie says she doesn’t trust Boo Boo Kitty and tells her to leave. Cookie, get the fuck over it man.

Boo-Boo Kitty is left looking sad, knowing that her role on this show is lessening by the episode. I almost feel bad for her, but I think she’s come back with a vengeance. Nothing quite like a girl with a pixie cut scorned.

Straight out of the Godfather they leave Vernon’s body in the passenger seat of the lawyer’s car, which is essentially handing her incriminating evidence. Well done.




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login