July 5, 2011
As betches, it's clear that we've cultivated habits that help us manipulate others to think that we’re good people and naturally gorgeous. We’ve learned how to optimize and perfect our #27 tans, finagled our way through school by #36 not doing work, and have even invented many brilliant new #5 diets. You thought Diet Coke and Orbit was your idea? Please bitch, I’ve been on that diet since I was 13. A betch’s main weapon in life is not guns, knives, or even her car, nor is a betch’s greatest possession her Chanel bag. It’s her ability to turn up the corners of her lips into the shape of a perfect fake smile.
The fake smile is like a betch’s armor against #1 talking shit. It throws a bitch off your trail. Okay, so maybe you just told an entire room of people that she rarely showers or brushes her teeth, or that she might have genital herpes. But pass her on your way to class and all you have to do is flash some teeth and throw in a half-assed wave before she thinks she’s merely another one of your acquaintances.
Also, as a betch, there are a lot of people out there who will know you, but you will have no idea who the fuck they are. So some nice girl has been doing your homework for the past four months, and sorry to say it, but you’ve forgotten her name. You recognize her by how eagerly she approaches you to chat, practically sprinting across the street just to come talk to you. For some people, this might be an uncomfortable moment. However, you’re a betch so you think fast. Quickly, you grab your Blackberry out of your bag and are suddenly “on the phone with your mom.” You whip out your fake smile and tada! Crisis averted, biology homework done!
So what are you really thinking when you throw some oblivious bitch a bullshit compliment and the fake smile?
“I love your shirt, it's so flattering on you!” - Put away your rolls of fat, babe.
“I didn’t know you were going out tonight!” - Glance at my boyfriend one more time and I’ll fucking cut you.
To the girl you’ve just been introduced to, but obviously already know via her bestie’s Facebook pics and some random info about her that you have stored in your gossip arsenal: “Heyyyy, I’m Betch, nice to meet you” - Hmm...I wonder if it's true that she fucked three guys in one night without a condom? Would it be a bad time to ask? Are we on that level yet?
So betches, save your duchenne smiles for when your parents surprise you with a trip to Paris, or for when you’re in bed, post coital obvs. As betches, we know that there’s nothing that makes you appear weaker than showing real emotion. Only when everyone thinks that you like them will you gain total control. Remember girls, showing fake emotion is your path to real happiness.