July 5, 2011
It's early Spring and that means many things. First off, it's time for finals! Yes, we know that the betchy thing to do is to #36 blow off your school work. Not so fast betches, finals are a great excuse to ask your psychiatrist to refill your Adderall, and it couldn't come at a more perfect time since we're quickly approaching the betchiest season of the year. Summer, obvs. Unless you want to be the fattest betch when your bikini bod debuts on Memorial Day Weekend, you better fucking fill your Rx and crazy glue your feet to an elliptical asap. Sounds dangerous? An extra four hours a day never hurt anyone.
Despite all these distractions, May is a particularly special time for the college betch. Sororosluts, we're looking at you. It's formal season.
It should be obvious why betches love formals. Other than the fact that getting invited to multiple formals makes our self-esteem skyrocket, there's also the fun of the unspoken competition between your besties for who will get the most invites! Oh, you're only going to two formals? Burn. I actually got two invites just for Saturday, you can go with the bro I don't like... I guess...
But the fun doesn't end there. We get to get dressed up, get fucked up, and get bussed to a local venue where it’s considered socially acceptable to vomit in the bathroom…or hallway, whatever. It’s like going on a #14 date, except it's better because getting completely plastered is mandatory and free! Plus, you get to #1 talk shit with your besties the whole time about all the other hoes with bad highlights and ugly dresses with ruffles on the bottom. Gross.
While going to your own sorority formal is great because all your betches are automatically invited (even the fat ones!), meaning everyone's there to drink and hit up the bathroom with you (also the #22 group photog can also take pics of you looking hot), nothing really compares with going to fraternity formals. Not only can you brag to all of your besties that you were invited to Jared’s formal, but snagging a formal invite means definite points towards #32 winning the game. This is especially true if you get the invite to an away formal, because it basically means this bro is admitting that you're not so annoying that he's willing to hang out/fuck you for three days straight. I mean, why wouldn't he?
Frat formals are also the perfect opportunity to schmooze with sorostitutes from all across the Greek system, and you get to be the one to #34 BBM all of your besties about the “whores” that other bros have invited, critiquing everything from their choice of dress to their (real or embellished) recent weight gain. If it’s a bro your friend was hooking up with but he didn't invite her to formal, as a true bestie you have to add in the obligatory “ugh he took that trashy loser, don’t worry you’re way hotter than her! I can’t believe she wore that!” Also, if things go sour, you can always ditch your date for the open bar, and maybe even meet a better bro! Additional +5 for executing a clean date swap. +10 for executing a date swap that lands your shitty date with um, nobody.
Finally, formals are a great excuse to have great drunk sex (which, let's be real, is the reason you invited your #18 VIP in the first place) or for pretending you were taken on an actual date. Betches know there’s NOTHING formal about attending a formal. If we wanted to be classy and proper while getting drunk we’d go to like, a wedding or something. If you didn’t get the memo that your parents just paid $150 a head so that you could do drugs in the bathroom and bounce as soon as the bar tab runs out, consider yourself informally fucked.