July 5, 2011
This post needs no introduction. We are all, unfortunately, all too familiar with the proverbial thorn in your side, muddy spot on your suede Tod’s loafers, the bitch you share your NetJet with, the ingrown toenail your $70 spa pedicure failed to remove. We’re talking about the frenemy.
The frenemy is often another betch in your circle who you’ve probably been friends with for a while, and it would just be awkward if you openly stopped being friends. Still, it’s widely accepted that you kind of fucking hate each other. It’s also expected that she comprises a large piece of your #1 shit-talking pie, but because your social lives are so intertwined, it’s not worth starting World War III over just anything. It takes more effort to rally the troops to defeat the frenemy than it does to just fucking deal with her. Everyone knows betches #36 hate doing work.
Sometimes you keep the frenemy around out of habit, since she used to be cool but now she’s lame. Maybe she has some dirty secrets on you, like you hooked up with your other bestie’s boyfriend, or your boobs aren’t real. Either way, every betch has to learn to suck it up and deal with the frenemy. Putting up with the frenemy is like ironing your hair. It’s annoying and kind of fake, but you realize there’s no better way out. I mean… it’s better to listen to your whiny frenemy at her beach house than hang out with your actual friend at a public pool… right?
So, how do you know when your relationship has reached frenemy status? Sometimes the feeling of frenemy-ship is subconscious and you might not even express it aloud. But typically it happens like you just hit a fucking wall. You wake up one day and the thought of seeing her face makes your blood boil. You can’t listen to her painful voice bitching about her goddamn boyfriend one more time. You no longer see her as a person, and she evolves into more of an “it” until the point that the use of her birth name disintegrates completely, as you build an arsenal of many, many #9 nicknames. You can be sure you have a frenemy when you find yourself experiencing feelings of happiness at someone’s failure. Becky’s boyfriend cheated on her? And her dad cut her off? Fuck yea, best day of my life!
Maybe you have multiple frenemies within your group (and you probably do if you’re a true betch) and you need to pick and choose which one you hate more in any given situation. I would be unhappy that Julie got into Emory because I obviously secretly hope her life will be a failure, but I know Lexi wants to go there too, so hopefully Julie took her spot. Hah, dumb bitches.
To someone outside the bestie circle, navigating these elusive friendship dynamics can be complex and dangerous. Relax betches, everyone has their shit with each other, and you never know who’s frenemy you might be. There’s always going to be betches who are really jealous of you…just ask Julius Caesar how hard it is to be the most popular girl in Rome.