75. Froyo

By The Betches

As we've reiterated countless times, when it comes to food, a betch prefers to pretend it doesn't exist. Watching a few episodes of Half Ton Mom or hell, even the Real Housewives of New Jersey usually does the trick in order to tune out our stomach whenever our bodies are screaming at us that they want nourishment. However, betches want to live and therefore it's necessary to consume something, sometimes. When this happens, the answer is clear. Frozen yogurt is the way to go.


Little did the inventors of miracle whip know that with their creation they'd provide the only source of calories for betches all over the globe. Okay, so maybe there was this one time when you were #3 abroad in Florence that you ate gelato on a class trip, but this was just to assure your classmates that you weren't anorexic.

We're in America now betches, no fucking excuses. Betches might as well donate their teeth to charity since the only food they eat comes in partially liquid form. Our hunter and gatherer ancestors clearly have never been to fucking Tasty D-Lite.

As with everything betches do, the rest of the world just can't help but latch on to our trendy and awesome ways. While the 1920s experienced World War I and the 1940s went through World War 2, us betches of the 21st century get the pleasure of enduring the Fro-Yo Wars. There are so many fro-yo options for the modern betch that we don't even know where to begin. 16 Handles or 40 Carrots? Pinkberry? My Berry? I don't give a shit berry.

Even the smart betches are fucking confused because they all sell the same exact shit with a different name and interior design.

babycryingWhat fucking fat bitch put cookie dough on my froyo!?!?

Betches love frozen yogurt because it gives us the taste of ice cream any flavor to something that's touching our palate. Between salads with no dressing, diet coke, and ex-lax it's hard to find something with actual taste to put in our mouths that isn't jam packed with cellulite-filled calories and fat.

Froyo is the best of all worlds because it actually tastes good and promises not to make us the fattest girl at rehab. We can even add a sprinkles or strawberry topping if we haven't eaten in like, 3 days. So betches, remember to maintain a well balanced diet. Meat is for men, grains are for fatties, fruits are for vegan hipsters, and vegetables are for dates. You know what they say, a large froyo for breakfast, lunch, and dinner each day keeps the Pros at bay.


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