Girls Recap: Lifestyles of the Poor and Plump

By The Betches

April 16, 2012


"hey. this girl show has nothing to do with ur site it is weird." - my mom, text message

So everyone's been raving about this new show Girls, and frankly, we sorta get it. It got some really good reviews, and some really bad ones, like many people were not pleased with Lena Dunham's round body or sloth-like face. Don't get us wrong, we and Kristen Bell agree that tree-dwelling mammals can be cute sometimes, but not while they're being fucked from behind.


Before watching we were prepared for a weird indie/ironically ugly spin on the betch life. But instead we were left with the same feeling you get when you're on the way to the airport about to go on a week long vaca and you feel like you forgot something. Something was off. Like at first we just thought it was just like...Ok so this bitch is poor and over weight and imagines herself living off 1100 dollars a month...that's annoying. But it wasn't that. We just hope the thing that's missing isn't as big as like say, leaving your iron at home when you get to your humid destination. Cue slideshow of Bachelor Ben's coiff in Panama's humid temperatures.

girls noodles


The show was very well written, but the opening scene was something out of a horror film. If my parents ever COMPLETELY cut me off, I literally don't know what I would do. But one thing's for sure, I would never go without a fight. Hannah you should have been like, Fine, if I'm paying my own phone bill then I'm never going to text you. Or you know what, instead I'm going to like, text you all the fucking time, at 3 am, pics of me, naked. See how you feel after you see my bare under carriage.

We really felt her whole "I'm in the midst of my memoirs but I need to live more life before it will be realistically profitable so can you just give me money till that happens" rationale, and then how she compares herself to her friends. You're lucky, I could be a drug addict. No but really, you're so right Han about the shady pill poppers, we know a guy who used to pop 14 bars in one sitting. Sure he wasn't exactly functioning ...but you know, he seemed like he was having a good time.

Now regarding the "apartment dynamics" between Hannah and Marnie, was anyone else like, why are these two girls cuddling? Why are they bathing together? Is this what people think girls do? Is this what they do in Brooklyn?

Also Marnie is like, really pretty. We couldn't put a finger on who she looks like but it's like whatever. She did however have a huge lesbian crush on Hannah, which was weird because we thought Hannah would be the vag lover in this group of besties. Anyway, Marnie is dating the maybe gay bro. I think you need to admit to yourself that you're sick of eating him out...because he has a vagina.

girls sleeping

Shoshanna Shapiro was shadily a fav of ours. Mostly because she was a fucking idiot. "I'm not on Facebook" ...You're so fucking classy. So like, the actress is also on Mad Men, do we think she might have a conflict when she watches Sunday night TV? Also who wears pink juicy jumpsuits, and not in an ironic Mean Girls reference way? Her face is too urban outfitters to pull off 'cool mom'.


And her Sex and the City references were actually like, comical, once you realize they're making fun of people who identify with Sex and the City.

Jessa, the Brit, is odd, but with an accent like that we welcomed her into our hearts easier than she welcomes guys between her legs, given that she's managed to get herself knocked up within 15 minutes of the show starting.

Now onto Hannah and her bro issues. The spiel about communication was perfect. Face to face communication is ideal, but it's not of this time. But like, how are you regularly fucking this guy if he's never answering your texts? Never is it just chill to show up to a guy's apartment. Whatevs, he looked a mix of Justin Long and Tobey McGuire but like, with a mild case of elephantitis. He wasn't even an outright asshole, he just kind of looks like he lives in a crackhouse.

And seriously weird moves Han, telling a guy you like him so much while he is about to finger your asshole. Marnie was right, we do all know that girl who ditches her friends to hook up with a guy who's ugly and a dick.

girls cupcake shower


Their friend at dinner goes, "I don't mean to be rude, I'm just not really into eating this week." ....soooo real.

...Maybe the show was off because of the characters' wardrobes. We almost feel like they were TRYING to make them look bad. Like, Hannah is this how you dress in real life? If you were about 30 pounds lighter you could definitely model American Apparel's ugly section.

And what, we're expected to believe these pseudo lesbian hipsters don't have any gay BFFs?

These people need to make more money.

What's with everyone walking in on each other in the bathroom...and not even to do drugs.

Why are you all so poor?


It was pretty sick when Hannah accidentally quit her job. Oh Hannah, I am so sorry to lose you..I was just going to start you manning our Twitter, you have just the quippy voice for that. MANNING TWITTER IS NO FUCKING JOKE.

Finally, why were there no colors on this show?? Don't they know I need flashy shit to ease my ADD and keep me entertained? How could these girls fall asleep to the Mary Tyler Moore Show, is that even on anymore? I swear this is circa 1982. And wait a minute, the main characters' names are Shoshanna, Jessa, Marnie and Hannah...Am I watching a show about a kibbutz?

What parents say and what we hear:

- "We can't keep supporting your groovy lifestyle" .... Groovy? What am I wearing fucking bellbottoms?

- "Did she just call me Papa!?" .... I'm high motha fucka

- "Why don't you get a job and start a are so spoiled!" .... MY BLOG IS MY JOB!! suck on that. ayayyayayay

So we're undecided. Indecisiveness comes with being a female so it's only appropriate that we only think we liked Girls, without being entirely sure. But seriously Hannah, stealing money from the help? Octavia Spencer did not approve this message.








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